How to Stay Empowered During Infertility, Miscarriage, and Uncertainty with Dr. Vanessa Calderon

In this episode of the Love & Science podcast, Dr. Erica Bove is joined by Dr. Vanessa Calderon for a deeply honest conversation about infertility, miscarriage, secondary infertility, surrender, and what it means to stay empowered when the path to parenthood does not go according to plan.

Dr. Vanessa Calderon is a former emergency medicine department chief, educator, trauma-informed master coach, speaker, retreat leader, podcaster, and founder of Alderaan Co. Her work centers on helping women come home to themselves, reconnect with their power, and create lives that feel aligned, resourced, and deeply authentic.

Together, Dr. Bove and Dr. Calderon explore the emotional and physiologic toll of infertility, the pain of recurrent pregnancy loss, and the subtle but powerful shift that can happen when women move from control and attachment into deeper trust and surrender.

In this conversation, they discuss:

• Dr. Vanessa Calderon’s experience with miscarriage and secondary infertility

• why so many women, especially physicians, feel pressure to keep performing even in the middle of loss

• the link between stress, attachment, control, and the fertility journey

• how disempowering thoughts shape physiology and behavior

• what surrender actually means in the context of infertility

• how self-compassion and nervous system safety can change the experience of treatment

• the difference between forcing an outcome and staying open to the way parenthood may unfold

• the role of vulnerability, intuition, and ancestral wisdom in healing

• why fertility journeys can become deeply transformative experiences

This episode is a powerful reminder that infertility is not just a medical experience. It is emotional, spiritual, relational, and deeply human. And while the path may not unfold the way we planned, there is still room for hope, meaning, healing, and profound trust.

If you are navigating infertility, miscarriage, or a season of deep uncertainty, this conversation will remind you that you are not alone, that your worth is not defined by outcomes, and that there may still be more possibilities ahead than you can currently see.

If you are a female physician looking for a more personalized, physiology-based, and supportive approach to your fertility journey, Love & Science Fertility offers consultative support designed with women in medicine in mind.

You know how much we love you.

Also, be sure to check out our website: loveandsciencefertility.com

Follow us on social media:

IG: www.instagram.com/loveandsciencefertility

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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.

In Gratitude,

Dr. Erica Bove

Transcript:

Hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Love and Science podcast. I have a distinguished guest
today. She's a friend. She's a colleague. Her name is Vanessa, Dr. Vanessa Calderon. She is an
amazing human who I met at the Physician Coaching Summit in November. And since I met her,
I've wanted to have her as a guest on this podcast. She is a deeply intelligent, deeply thoughtful,
deeply humble human being, also a deeply powerful human being. which is super relevant as we talk
about how to have the most empowered fertility journey possible. Welcome Dr. Vanessa. So good to
have you here. Thank you so much, sweet friend. So happy to be here with you. Absolutely. And so.
I do like to share some accolades because I do think it helps put things in context because you've
worn a lot of hats over the years, right? So you've been a grassroots activist. You've been a
department chief in the world of emergency medicine. You've been a wellness director, an educator,
a trauma-informed master coach, a speaker, a podcaster. You've led retreats. You have a podcast,
which is called The Authentic Path, which is an amazing podcast for people. And so my understanding
right now is that you do primarily coaching, right? In terms of helping people build their wealth
and their power and live their most authentic life. Is that correct? That's right, yeah. Yeah.
Anything else you would add to those accolades as people? Because you have over, even as a kid,
right? You were building businesses. You have over 20 years of this experience. And this stage of
your journey is the coalescence of so many leadership roles and so many. like spiritual roles and,
and, and so much of what you've experienced, you are synthesizing into serve the world. Yeah.
The only thing I'd say is really at the core of what I do is really just help people come home to
themselves. That's how I see the work I do. The mission of Alderan Co,
which is what the name of my business is, is really just, is really just to transform lives and
focus on helping women and really all people just come home to themselves. Because once people are
safely back home and safe in their bodies to be their most authentic selves, that's where magic
happens. That's where they become the most resourced, where they can create their desires.
Everything happens once you've made that journey home. And it's a beautiful,
transformative experience. And it's so humbling to get to walk people home. That is so beautiful.
And I, I'm very aligned with that mission. I'd love to start by asking you how you realized in your
own life that you were not at home within yourself. Like how it's usually like we're the wounded
healers, right? We help other people where we have struggled the most. What does, what did that
look like for you? How do you help people realize they're not at home and how do you bring them
back? Yeah. Um, a great question. I, it.
I was completely blind. You know, I hadn't taken whatever the pill is in the matrix, the red one,
I think it is, or the black can't remember what color it is, but I was just, I was completely
blind. I was living my life on default, which is, I think what most people do because I don't think
people know that there's another way until you wake up. And so I, because of that.
you know, living my life based on traumas that had been unhealed and not just my trauma, but
ancestral trauma, generational trauma, systems of oppression that exist in the world. colonization
and racism, all of that stuff was, was subconsciously driving me because you know,
this, I think Erica, which is, you know, we think that we're making our decisions in this world
based on our conscious awareness, but conscious awareness is really only driving 5% of what we do.
The rest of it is being driven by subconscious and autonomic habits. And so that means 95% of the
results that you're creating in this world are not intentional if you don't wake up. And so. for
me, what that led to, I'm a, you know, physician by training, as you mentioned, but what that led
to is living my life on like a hundred percent, like drive at everything that I did.
And which meant that I was achieving really, really fast. So I did a lot by a really young age.
I was a department chief one year out of residency. I was a department chief. Yeah. And that's like
a big pat on the back, but it's also like, hold on a second what did you have to sacrifice to do
that you know and so for me it was a lot of um I you know they say the road to burnout is really a
it's really a journey of self-abandonment which I think is true because what it meant is I was
completely disconnected from myself from my body from my soul um I I knew what drove me at the at
the heart of everything I did it was always Always about service. And I knew that that was true.
And that was sort of my compass or my North straw was always like, was I doing something that was
in service to the world? And it was easy to say yes, because as you mentioned, I was an activist
before I became a physician. And then I was a physician, like all of these things are always to be
in service. But I think the shadow side of all of that is that I was doing it in a way.
to gain external validation because I didn't have that for myself. I didn't know what it meant to
feel proud of yourself. I didn't know what it meant to actually feel worthy or deserving of being
in the same room as people that didn't look like me as men or, you know, and I'm like, I'm a
hundred pound, five foot Latina with like, you know, olive skin. And so, and that comes with a lot
of stories. I'm a first generation American. And so the story of the immigrant. And so all of these
things that, I had not come to love in myself yet. So my journey home meant that I had to realize I
was missing a lot of self-compassion, a lot of love, a lot of space to be me, to love me,
to feel who I was in my own body and my skin and to make decisions that really centered me and that
it was safe to center myself because I am a good person with a good heart, which means if I center
myself, I'm actually helping make the world a better place because when I'm home in my own skin,
which is... how I, one of the things that I love to help women do, because the women that are drawn
to work with me are all mission driven, purpose driven. They all want to make the world a better
place. And so, and so when you're, when you are able to come home to yourself, you're just much
more resourced. You think about how expansive you can be whenever you give yourself what it is you
need. And then from there, creating from that place is just, it's just magic. Yeah.
Well, that's so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. One thing that you taught me recently on
one of our calls is this different idea about growth, where instead of saying, okay, I'm going from
point A to point B, and if we don't quite get to point B, then we beat ourselves up or something,
that we start where we are and then we grow outwards. And that has resonated so deeply with me.
And I think it's just a testament to how differently you think about these concepts. And I just
think it's so beautiful, the work that you've done on yourself and that you are able to now deliver
that in a way that empowers so many other people. So thank you for sharing that. I think that kind
of sets the stage for the rest of our conversation. Before we started recording, you had shared
with me, you know, some difficulties that you had in your own fertility journey. And I was, I was
wondering, you know, I think it's so hard if you're a listener and you've never heard of anybody
who's gone through these things or maybe only online. Can you share a little bit about your journey
to build your family? I think that would really help people feel less alive. Of course. And I'll
tell you, I grew up in a home where we didn't talk about sex or bodies or any kind of pregnancy
issues you like. And also coming from a long lineage of the,
like this trauma, the unknown trauma of a woman's body was to serve a man, you know, and to
essentially like make, you know, keep the peace at home by doing those types of things, having, you
know, all of those types of things that machismo, which is Spanish word for patriarchy sort of
teaches women. And so when I, And I got on birth control at a really young age.
I was in high school. I think I was like 17. I was having horrible menstrual cycles.
And so I got on birth control really early to support that. And it was really, really helpful. And
then I just assumed I would not get pregnant until, I don't know, until I had achieved all these
things is what I thought. And so I got married in residency and my husband wanted to have children
at a younger age because his dad was older when they had kids. And so he wanted to make sure that
we were being thoughtful. We knew we wanted to have more than one child. He knew about the concept
of advanced maternal age. And so I got off birth control and I was able to get pregnant with my
first kid pretty quickly. And so my thought was like, oh, yeah, it's not hard. Boy,
was I wrong. And so the second time we tried to get pregnant, I assumed it was going to be the same
thing. And so here I am. This is. This is old versions of Vanessa controlling all these things,
planning so perfectly. Oh, I'm going to, we're going to start trying at this time. I'm going to get
pregnant at this time. I'm going to go on. And we couldn't get pregnant. We got pregnant and had a
miscarriage, got pregnant again, had a miscarriage. And then we got pregnant a third time. And the
third time, we didn't have a miscarriage right away. The first two miscarriages were before like
eight weeks. And so early, I'm an ER doc and I see women having these unplanned kind of.
spontaneous abortions all the time, these miscarriages all the time in the emergency department.
And so before you're at a certain age, I just feel like it was normal. So the first time I had a
miscarriage, I'm like, yeah, no big deal. It happens all the time. The second time I was starting
to get a little nervous. And so then, but I was like, oh, it's early again. We'll just try again.
And then the third time the pregnancy was lasting long enough that I went in to get a blood test
and I had a pretty high HCG, the hormone that we took for pregnancy. And so And then now it's like
11 weeks and we were still pregnant. And so I was like, oh, great. And then came like 11 and a
half, almost 12 weeks. And I started having abdominal cramps and then I started bleeding. I'm going
to get a little emotional. Yeah, that's okay. And so I started having another miscarriage.
And that last one was tough because we were so far along and I just assumed it was going to stick.
And it was a day where I had, I was department chief at the time and I was working a full-time
clinical load in the emergency department. And I had a shift that day and it was one of our busiest
shifts. It was in the middle of the day and I started miscarrying at about 10 in the morning. And
it was, I was supposed to go into work at two o'clock. And so. Two o'clock is coming up and it
took me about 45 minutes to get to work. So I was like, all right, I'm going to go to work. Like,
what do you do? And so I went to work. I was actively miscarried. I was having the worst cramps.
And I remember a very, very good friend of mine who was one of the nurses at the hospital. She was
a charge nurse that day. And she asked me, she's like, what's wrong with you? Why are you so grumpy
today?
And I had to do everything to not cry in front of everybody. And so like I went to the bathroom and
I composed myself and I was like, you know, I'm just I'm just having a period. And I just like kept
going anyway. So it was really, really tough. It was really hard. We went to meet a fertility
doctor who checked my hormone levels and pretty much said that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant
on my own. But as it goes, you know, like we, we left that we talked about whether or not we'd have
fertility, but there was something in that conversation that just made me feel, I don't know. It's
like a sense of like, okay, I'm just going to let this go because. We already had one child and she
was healthy and we were so happy. And it was such a blessing that we even had one. So then I was
like, if we can't have another one, I don't know if I want to put my body to fertility. I wasn't
sure, but I was like, you know what? I'm just going to whatever. So if we can't get pregnant, we
can get pregnant. And once I let it go, as it goes, you know, we ended up,
so the fertility doctor said, come back after you have another regular period. Cause we met with
her when I was actively miscarrying. And I didn't have another regular period. After that,
we got, I think we just ended up just living our lives and we got pregnant and we were so blessed.
We called our son. His name is Luca. L-U-C-A means light. Oh, that's so beautiful.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Vanessa. You know, I think most of us have a story if we ask.
And I do think that there can be so much healing in the sharing of it because. You know, you didn't
know that was going to happen. You didn't know that was going to be the final outcome. And we
really don't talk enough about secondary infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and, you know,
just that uncertainty and then letting go. And then it happened. But just understanding like what a
dark time that was and, and giving voice to that, I think is so powerful. Yeah. Thank you.
And also, I mean, I did the same thing. I retracted for a vaginal hysterectomy in residency as I
was actively miscarrying. Why the F do we do these things again? But we feel like previous versions
of ourselves, right? We feel that we have to, you know, we can't take any time for ourselves. We
feel like we can't prioritize ourselves. We have to always, you know, patients always come number
one. And I just don't think that's. That's the way. And so I just want to say to anybody who's
listening to this podcast, learn from us. You know, if something is happening, if you get bad news,
if you're miscarrying, if something isn't going as planned, it's okay to take a day for your mental
and physical healing. It's essential actually. And I always think, what would you tell your friend
to do, right? Like you would obviously tell your friend to like stay home and miscarry at home and
grieve and all those things. But we're so, that's where self-compassion comes in, right? Because
we're, we just don't. do that ourselves, or if we're not taught to do it doesn't come naturally. So
that version of me was, I think, afraid to ask for what it was, what it wasn't that I needed,
because in my mind, what I had met that made that mean is that that was weakness, that
vulnerability was weakness. And I know now that that is just not the case.
And I even look back and think, and I For the listeners, for you listening, imagine if one of your
colleagues called you and said, oh my God, this is happening in my life right now. You would
probably say, of course, I'll cover your shift. No big deal. Yeah, exactly. And I know like the
person that was on backup, of course they would have come in to cover my shift had I asked, you
know? Yeah, that's so powerful. Is there anything else that this version of Vanessa today,
you know, looking back at that former version of yourself, is there anything else that you would
want to give her?
I just love her so much and it's all okay. Like so much compassion. It's okay that that's what you
thought. It's okay that that's what you did. All of that's okay. Yeah. Yeah.
That's so beautiful. So I'm so, so grateful that you have your family and, you know,
I think these, these experiences transform us too, right? We're never the same person on the other
side of them than we are before. And I would imagine that you bring that into your coaching as
well. Right. And thinking about my people who are listening, who are on the fertility journey,
usually it's not a short journey, right? There's a very few people who see a fertility doctor and
then have a, you know, get pregnant or have a treatment cycle. Like it's, it's usually a long drawn
out months to years journey. And the people who find me in my practice are people for whom their
treatments aren't working. And their REIs are shaking their heads. They're like, we don't know
what's going on. My listeners, my patients, my clients are getting more and more discouraged
because another cycle didn't work. Another, we still don't know what's going on. Like all those
different questions. Thinking about your work, helping to help people reclaim their power,
whether it's wealth or career or authenticity. What can you say to the listeners who are going
through this process and they're getting discouraged, they're feeling like their battery is
draining and they truly don't know if it's going to work. They're feeling very threatened that it
might not at the end of the day. Yeah, I think when you're naming a lot of those feelings,
they do sound disempowering. I'm afraid it's not working. I've tried everything I could.
Something must be wrong with me is usually at the bottom of that cycle, right, of that thought
cycle. So what I will say is that those are disempowering thoughts and feelings,
and they're also normal thoughts and feelings that anybody would have on the journey. And the road
to empowering as opposed to disempowering is really understanding that.
And this might not be what everybody wants to hear, but I will just say is understanding that if
your desires are coming from a pure place, what is meant to happen is going to happen. And,
you know, Erica, you and I talked a little bit about this before, which is if you are meant,
like if you have this. deep desire coming from a really good place of wanting to be a parent.
will happen for you. If your desires are pure, it will happen for you. It may not happen in the way
you think it's supposed to happen, but it will happen for you. And so what I will just say is this,
you know, on this journey of life, when we start losing our agency or losing our power and giving
it away to certain things, like in this case, fertility treatment, like you're giving your power
away to fertility treatment, all of a sudden saying that something is wrong with you because it's
not working or that something's wrong with your body.
That's just another roadmap to show you, hold on a second. Why? Why would I give my power away to
fertility treatment? What if nothing is wrong with me? What if this is just not the way it's
supposed to happen? What if I was open to allowing it to happen the way it's supposed to happen?
Then what would be possible? Because for some people just released it. So what that is, is an
attachment. It's an attachment to the fertility treatment and it's attachment to what that's
supposed to do for you and your body. Because an attachment as you know. Buddhism says is the root
of all suffering. Because once you're attached to that, what happens is if you don't get it, you
don't think you're going to be okay. Which means that there's safety stories. There's a bunch of
stories attached to that. Who am I? I'm not worthy. I'm not deserving. All of those stories
attached to that. And that, so in the world of, you know,
we didn't name this, but I come from a long line of indigenous healers from Mexico and Central
America. And so I grew up speaking.
words of ancestral or indigenous wisdom. And a lot of it sounds like new age stuff,
but honestly, it's stuff that's been around for millennia that was passed down from my great,
great, great, great, great grandparents down to my great grandparents, you know, all the way down
to me. And this is the language that we spoke in our house, which was really earth-based language
that connected us to the earth and to the cosmos and to everything around us, unifying us to
something so much bigger than us and the sense of universal consciousness. And so I say that
because when we think disempowering thoughts, what we're honestly doing, think about how you feel
when you think those thoughts. You probably don't feel very good because you're decreasing the way
you're feeling in your body. You're decreasing your energetic vibration to shame, to guilt,
to sadness, to unworthiness, all of those types of things. And what we feel in our bodies is
essentially what we are pulling towards us. And so when we're feeling those things, you're probably
taking actions that are disempowering actions. Maybe you are going and overeating because that's
how you're dealing with the guilt or the shame in your body. Or maybe you are overworking because
that's how you deal with the emotions that you don't want to feel. And so there's a lot, or maybe
you're drinking or whatever it is that you do when you don't feel good and you don't know what to
do with those feelings. We start taking actions like that. And then we create results in the world
that we're not proud of.
vicious cycle that we fall into and let me give you a different way to think about it let's say you
you are not you're not having success with these treatments with these fertility treatments one way
to think about it is like what's wrong with me which is shame disempowering another way to think
about it is like huh well okay this isn't happening all right well is there another way is another
way possible or What if, and this is kind of, some people think maybe magical thinking,
but I'm just going to, again, this comes from my ancestral lineage. What if I just let it go? What
if I just released this? And this is the act of surrender. And the act of surrender,
I think, is one of the most courageous acts any human can take. Because...
all believe that we are in control and in charge of everything that we're doing in this world.
And then something comes and blows us over the head. It could be your tire blows out or here you
are thinking that you were going to get pregnant and now you can't. And all of a sudden you're
like, holy smokes, my world has turned upside down. This is me. You know, when I,
when I couldn't get pregnant the second time I thought I was. Again, I had perfectly timed it so
that I'd get pregnant and be able to work through the winter because that's when the flu season was
the worst. And when we get the most patient volume and I wanted to be present for my department and
then I'd have my kid in the summer so that I could then take parental leave in summer. It's like,
so, and then I got hit over the head being like, hey, release control. You're, you know, like, and
the more and more I was able to surrender, and this is what I'm offering your audience, the more
and more you're able to surrender, the more you realize like, okay, the way it's supposed to happen
will happen. All you need to do is focus on your desire. What is your desire? If your desire is to
be a parent. Let that come to you the way it's supposed to come to you. Release all of the other
disempowering thoughts that you have about how it was supposed to happen because that's attachment
and that creates suffering.
Ooh, that is so powerful, Vanessa. Like every hair on my body is like on edge right now.
I'm standing on end because what you said resonated so much. And gosh, you said so many beautiful
things. I think you're right that the core of a lot of the lack of success that I see is an over
-attachment to the outcome, right? And how could we not be attached to this outcome? Because the
stakes are high. We want to build our families. It makes total sense. And yet when we attach to
something external and it has to happen on this timeline and in this way, and, you know, we, we
sort of plan it out that, I mean, I truly believe, yes, we can talk about the spiritual
ramifications. I also think on a very physiological level, it's not good for us. Our adrenals get
engaged. Our blood pressure gets higher. Our, our, our vessels vasoconstrict,
like it's not good on multiple levels.
problem, or I guess not to code as a problem, but the, the stuckness I see for people is that
there's this belief that if the fertility treatments don't work, that people are not going to be
okay. And I get it. Cause I've been there too. I get it. And it sounds like you've been there too,
right? It's like, if this doesn't happen, I, you know, I talk to people all the time. My husband
and I really want to have a family because that's the missing piece in our lives. And that's going
to complete our lives. You know, this sort of like. I, I, this has to happen. Otherwise I've gotten
everything I wanted in my life. I have, I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer, I'm a successful person. Like
why can I not work harder and have this be the outcome? I truly am not going to be okay if this
doesn't happen. And so one of the things that I help people do is, is, is help them realize you are
going to be okay. You, you can create a meaningful life in so many different ways. You have a
meaningful life. Now, if this desire is yours, how can we start to detach? from the specifics to
maybe open up many channels. For some people, that's donor egg IVF. For some people, that's
gestational carrier. For some people, it's taking a break from fertility treatments. And I've had
people conceive, stop fertility treatments, long IVF journeys, and truly surrender to the process
and say, okay, we're going to regroup. And that's when it happens. Every person's journey is their
own journey. But I think it is like, if I could bottle up that, you know, attachment to the
outcome, the courageous, courageous act, like you said, of the surrendering, that is where I see
that people start. They're what's meant to happen for them. And it might not be through the
original channel. Sometimes it's, oh my goodness, in this person in our lives had this unintended
pregnancy and that baby needs a home. I've seen that happen before. I've seen it. And then that
person goes on to have biological children. Like I've seen it unfold so many different ways, but I
believe that there is the desire in the heart and there are souls that are meant to connect with
that. And we have to attune that resonance to make that happen. Yeah,
that's 100%. I love what you said about the physiologic response to attachment. And I want to take
that one level deeper. You know, I know a lot of your listeners are really smart women. And so if
you think about this physiologically, even molecularly, on a cellular level, what's happening is
when you are in resistance, when you are literally, when you attach yourself to an outcome,
what you are creating is a form of resistance. Resistance is the opposite of acceptance.
It's the opposite of being open. So when you're attached to the outcome, it has to happen a
specific way because we have attached, what we are actually attached to is not the outcome. It's
what we've made the outcome mean about us or about the world around us. And so what's happening
when you're attached to the outcome is you create a resistance. In my body right now, I'm hunched
over because that's what it feels like. It's a resistance. And so if you think about it on a
molecular level, you are literally resisting so many things. Yes, cortisol. Yes, hypertension.
Yes, all of the vasoconstriction that happens. You're literally in resistance mode. It's like
you're pushing everything away. And so when you open yourself up to a different possibility,
it creates a level of...
receiving receptivity, you're open, you're surrendered. Okay. Okay. Divine spirit, source,
God, whatever you believe in. Okay. I'm open to this happening the way it's whatever way it's
supposed to happen. I just, I let this go. I'm going to let this go. I'm open to whatever is
supposed to happen. And literally that it's like, it's like a deep exhale. You turn on your
parasympathetic nervous system. Once you surrender and now you're in receiving mode, you're
literally open and receiving vasodilated. And it's cardioprotective.
All of those things happen for you. And so, of course, it's easier for things to come to you when
you stop resisting. In my life, what I have noticed is, and this is after like, you know,
10, 15 years of like consistently pushing away everything I wanted because I thought I was bringing
it to me because I do believe that I create everything I desire.
And I know that that sounds a little... bonkers, but I, because I do the work and I opened myself
up to doing it. But when I first started this whole journey, I realized like I do,
but man, it's hard. I push so hard, harder, harder, harder. How harder can I, oh, I haven't done it
yet. Let me go harder. And my solution for everything was working harder, pushing harder. And over
the last 10 years, as I've been on my own journey home to myself, I've realized, oh my gosh, it's
actually so much easier and so much faster when I stop. trying so hard. When I stopped pushing,
when I stopped attaching myself to every outcome of every goal I had set,
when I let all that go and I was in deep surrender, oh, look, everything just happens.
And I still do the work. I do my part, but I don't have to continue to push. And because I'm not in
resistance mode, I'm not attached. Everything just happens. And it's a flow.
That's what flow state is. That's when you're in flow state. And that's so true. I've heard my
clients say, Erica, the less control I try to have, the more peace and calm and even control I
feel. And then we are aligned with that divine source, God, whatever we believe that is.
And that is when I see the magic happen in this process. And like I said, it's not always the
strong plan A. It's not always in this way. Sometimes there's twists and turns along the way. But
when that little soul comes in, there's just this indescribable joy and peace.
It's just, it's so very beautiful. It's vulnerable. I think that we need to become more comfortable
with vulnerability because. To hold on tightly and to resist and to be attached and to be trying
harder, that is a very, it's a very masculine energy too, right? We talk about conceiving is
receiving. When we do open ourselves up, it does feel strange, especially if that's not what we've
been doing for most of our lives to make things happen. So, you know, that shift to a little bit
more or a lot more vulnerability and surrender, I think is really important, but it can, I'm just
going to name, it can feel kind of scary because, you know, that just, that just is
counterintuitive to what we've been taught. Yeah, and I will just say, I can't remember where I
read this, probably one of the Bernie Brown books I read a long time ago, which is, you know, we
all think vulnerability is weakness, but vulnerability is probably the biggest act of courage. When
you can be honest and say, this is what I want, I'm kind of scared it's not going to come this way,
but I'm open to letting it come the way it's supposed to.
Okay, you know, and that act of like exhale and surrender. that is vulnerability and that is so
brave and so courageous, which is why I always say the biggest act of a spiritual warrior is
surrender. That is like the most courageous act of any spiritual warrior. And I think about you,
Erica, and the work you do as sort of like this beautiful spiritual warrior, because you're
connecting souls to humans that want to, you know, want to help usher these souls into the world.
And I just think that that's one of the most beautiful divine acts. you know? Thank you. Yeah.
I mean, it's definitely my calling and I see it as sacred work because, and it's working. I mean,
the wild thing, Dr. Vanessa is that over 80% of my clients have had success either in the form of
an ongoing pregnancy or an actual live birth in the last two years. And if you think about it, it
takes 10 months to just date a pregnancy and there are ongoing pregnancies right now. I mean, it's
just so beautiful, but I think, you know, we need to think about like,
what, what, what is the work? What are we doing? How can we, encourage these things to happen right
like how can we be vulnerable in a safe place right because we do need to do that and like what do
we do I don't know it's uh the surrender part of it I think is really really tricky for people but
it's almost like a like a discipline it's almost like it I always ask people is it a moment that
you surrender is it a process over time I think that we it's almost like steeping into a pool
almost we were like we get the big toe and we're like, okay, this, this feels safe. I can let go of
this. And then we go a little deeper and we go a little deeper. And we realized that when we can
like plug in spiritual, like, you know, that movie, the avatar movies where they like plug in
there. ponytail to like this intense divine network like that's that's what it is and the power of
community we're not meant to do this alone we're not meant to do this in isolation and when we can
connect to other beautiful souls humans who are on the path that's that's also where the magic
happens is when we're connecting with other people and not doing it alone a hundred percent that's
more magic i think that you bring to the people that you help and serve because They no longer feel
alone, not just because they have you, but because they have you and the stories of people that
you've helped and the community that you've built. It's really, really powerful. If we want to go a
little bit deeper on surrender, or at least I want to go a little bit deeper on surrender because
you mentioned like, what is the act of surrender? What is that? So I will just say, when have you,
for those that are listening, when have you let your body feel safe? When do you feel the safest?
Like think about, I think about, for example, is it? my wedding day. I come from, again,
a long line of ancestral generational trauma, marital trauma, stuff like that. And I never thought
I was going to get married. And then my husband and I fell in love and I was like, oh yeah. we'll
just live together forever. Why get married? That's such a waste of time. For him, it was a very
different story. He had a very different experience and he wanted the actual act of marriage. And
so I went to work to heal all my wounds because I was like, okay, well, if I decide not to get
married, it's not going to be because of this trauma or because of fear. If I decide not to get
married, it's because I don't want to get married. So after doing all that work, we decided to get
married. And I remember on my wedding day, having all of these like fears and stories. But when I
was with him, By ourselves, before we actually got married, we sat by ourselves at the little altar
where we were going to get married. We sat down together and I remember feeling like, well, this
feels safe. This feels good. Like being with him feels good. And that was safety. And so that is an
act of surrender. When you can feel safe in your body, that is a very good sign that it's safe for
you to surrender. So for you listening, ask yourself, when have I felt, when do I feel safe?
When is it that I went and I have this one client, she's an incredible OBGYN. She's just brilliant.
And when she's in her work, like when she's practicing clinically, she's like, oh yeah, I just
always know what to do. You know, all these things. I just know she's like, but when this happens,
like outside of the hospital, she doesn't feel as connected. I'm like, oh, interesting. So you are.
running intuitively when you're in the hospital, it sounds like. You're super connected, you know
what to do, but then you start doubting yourself in these other spaces. Isn't that interesting? And
so when is it that you feel surrendered? Because when you tap into surrender, what actually happens
is you are allowing your highest self, your inner wise woman,
whatever you want to call it, to be in the driver's seat. That is why you're able to tap into
intuition and all these other things that come to you when you surrender. That's why surrender is
so powerful. And it comes from a place of safety, safety and believing, believing that it's
possible, believing that it's safe to surrender and then just being open to it. Be open to like,
just trying, where can I surrender? And so my, I think it's when you said like, what is it? I think
it's an, it's one of those things in life. That's kind of an infinite game that you never. You
never get to a place where you're 100% surrendered, but you can always do it for the rest of your
life. And sometimes I just play around and ask myself, like in my meditation this morning, I was
like, where else haven't I surrendered? Like what else can I release control of, you know? Because
I firmly, firmly, firmly believe that I'm guided and protected. I know that my ancestors are all
around me. I know that I'm guided and protected. And so I firmly believe that. I firmly believe I'm
safe. And I know for a lot of people, that sounds like bananas and it sounds like naive and all of
those types of things. But I'm also like... a smart person. And I know like what I know how to
like, I'm not going to go out and walk in the middle of the night and do something crazy because
that's bananas. And yes, I feel guided and protected, but I'm also going to do my part, you know,
which is like, I'm not going to go drive a million hours, miles an hour drunk or whatever,
because that's just not for me. Like that just doesn't make sense. I'm guided and protected and
committed by an intuitive sense. And I know that my ancestors are all around me. And so I feel
super safe to surrender. Yeah. Makes total sense. And I also think that when we are,
when we are practicing, it's kind of like when we're meditating and our guided meditation guide
says, where else can you soften? Yes. Right. Like, okay. Is it like in my face and my,
is my tongue on the roof of my mouth? Is my jaw like just doing that scan of like, where, where
else can I give up a little control here? Where else can I let the ground support me? Where else
can I? ease into this posture yoga for me is actually where I feel the safest for some reason I
don't know why but like there's something about the poses and the community in the room where
that's my safe place which is which is everyone finds a little differently my friend Rachel has
this saying which I think will be helpful to everybody here is when we when we have an intention
like say somebody's going in for an embryo transfer this or something even better Because sometimes
the plans that the universe has in store for us are even better than the ones we would concoct for
ourself. And that is where we unite that highest self that is internal with like the whole
magnitude of the universe. And, you know, Vanessa, just like you, I feel my ancestors around me as
well. And I don't actually feel ancestors in the room. I'm just going to call it out again. People
may argue with me, but I know what I experienced, that there are spirits in the embryo transfer
room that I can feel. I can feel my grandfathers who died before I was born. He was an OBGYN,
delivered like 16,000 babies. I was the first grandchild not to be delivered by him because he was
deceased at that point. But his spirit is always with me, always. I'll say, Papa Bo,
if I need some help here, she's whatever, fleeting, whatever. Like he's fantastic. And I also view
the spirits of the ancestors of my patients, especially if they're open to it. And this especially
happens when somebody's loved one has just passed away. And sometimes it's this pattern that I see
where somebody's loved one is sick and dying, transfer isn't working, transfer isn't working, next
transfer doesn't work. And then that loved one passes away and the next transfer is successful.
It's something that... there's forces beyond ourselves. And I really wanted to ask you,
Dr. Vanessa, like, let's dive into your indigenous wisdom and your ancestral wisdom.
How do you see that playing out? And what can you offer our listeners about forces that they may
not even be tapping into yet that maybe they're conspiring to help them? Yeah. Well,
first I'll say, The veil is very, OBGYN is such a poetic practice.
You're there at the beginning of birth and at the end of birth for some people, if you're a gyna,
you know, and I mean, at the end of life. And I think. The veil is very,
very thin during certain parts, during certain transitions. And one big transition is close to
death. So when people are around circling hospice or beginning of life, the veil is very,
very thin. And by veil, for those that are not used to that word, it's the veil between the seen
and the unseen. So what we can see with our eyes and what we can sense around us in the spiritual
world. I'm just going to name a few things here because I think there's a lot of resistance around
this for valid reasons. You know, people want data and they want facts and they want to see and
feel and touch because science has been very materialistic for many, many years. And I have degrees
from Harvard and UCLA and, you know, all of these things that I have. Plus, I am super blessed that
I have apprenticeship with people that have been doing this work for. you know, hundreds and
hundreds of years and passed on from generations. And so what I bring to you is like scientific
experience, spiritual experience, like just lived experience. And so the answers that I'm
responding to you with right now is all of that combined. And the first thing I will just say is
when you said, I believe that the ancestors are in the room. I fully,
I sensed that that was 100% true because I can sense your grandfather's presence is a huge
presence. You know, it's a huge presence in your life. And I sense that it's a huge presence for
you now and how proud that spirit is of you and how proud they are to just help you.
And really what your grandfather.
I haven't done this before on a podcast, but if you're open to this, the message from your
grandfather really is, you're doing this all by yourself. We're just here loving you from behind.
Like you're saying you're calling him for help, but he's just there behind you, loving you and
reminding you that you can do it by yourself. But yeah, so what I will just say, yeah, the veil is
thin. And I think whenever the veil is super thin, so like if somebody dies, for example,
like you mentioned, and then life is able to come because the veil thins out at those times. And so
we're able... get more support because even humans are more open. People that are super closed to
all of these things. let's say you have your mother die or your father die. And all of a sudden you
start seeing things like, oh, I just saw a bird or I just saw this or a rainbow over there. And
like, I know that's a message from my mom. All of a sudden, whereas before. You probably would have
never thought that. You probably would have precluded an idea like that. But the more and more you
get connected to something bigger than yourself, the more you realize that we are all really,
really connected. And all around us, there's like the most beautiful, magical, mystical things that
are always happening. And I call it the language of the heart. which is the language that the
universe speaks to us in. And it can be also called synchronicities. You know, whenever we notice,
like you've noticed a synchronicity that when somebody dies, somebody like that in that person's
life, that person's able to now get pregnant. Whoa, that's weird. And if we release the concept of
it being weird and just are open to the concept of it just being a miracle, or maybe we can call it
like, call it just gratitude if you're not open to a miracle, like, wow, that's. That's a little,
okay, well, that happened. I'm so, that's fascinating. And I'm so happy. Like, I'm so grateful that
it happened. But just be open to knowing that, again, this is, I think this is one of the reasons
why I've been able to surrender so much is because I'm just so open to knowing that what's supposed
to happen is going to happen. And that's just the way it is. And, you know, in that,
you know, I was an activist for many, many years. As an activist, once an activist, always an
activist. And I believe like I'm here to empower others to really be their best.
And for a long time, it was fighting for themselves, fighting for their rights, fighting for I did
a lot of poverty elimination work and racial justice work. And what I've come to understand is.
Now, at this stage of my life, it's not necessarily to fight against others because I firmly
believe karma is going to happen. You know, if you are doing something you're not meant to do,
whether it's this lifetime or another lifetime, things are going to work themselves out because
that's a universal law. And it's not my job to force that to happen in my lifetime because it's
going to make me feel good. You know, that's if I really surrender and believe that things will
always things are going to write themselves out because that's just karma. That's what will happen.
And so, and I believe that. I firmly believe that. And the thing about belief is this,
we've gone kind of a million different ways, but the thing about belief is this, anything you
believe is what you are practicing, whatever you believe. If you're believing that you're never
going to get pregnant, that's your practice. You're going to believe it for the rest of your life.
And you're going to probably create that. If you believe I will become a parent, somehow I'm going
to become a parent. That's another belief. Both of those beliefs are things that you are creating.
And as I think Ford said this, whether you believe you can or you cannot, it's true. Whether you
can't or you can't, you know, like whatever you believe, you're going to create. And so some people
say beliefs are delusional. Yes, all beliefs are delusional. Everything you believe you are making
up, but you are also making up. creating. And so why not believe the best?
Why not believe the best is coming for you? Why not believe that you're going to get taken care of,
that you're going to create what you want? Why not believe that? Why not? Like who cares? Why not
feel good all the time? Like life is so short. Why not feel joy and love and happiness and like
expansiveness and ecstasy? Why not? Like it feels so good. So that's what I've just chosen to do.
I've chosen to do that for myself and to do my best to help other people do that. People that want
to do that, that come to me for help. I'm like, Yeah. You want to feel good. Let's do it. Like, why
not feel good? Why not heal all of those wounds? Why not release all of that? Yeah.
That makes so much sense. Thank you so much for sharing that. And you're right. Like the beliefs
are thoughts we practice over time. And I would say, if my brain is going to work against me, why
not let it work for me? But that takes some thoughtfulness and some intention to say, okay. And
like you said in the beginning, let's shine a light on that 95%. let's just uncover what's there
because so much of it is just going on subconsciously. But when we shine a light on it, then we can
actually choose. Is this what I want to be thinking and feeling, or is there a different way? And
that's also part of the, part of what you help people do as well. I know Vanessa. So tell us about
your practice and how you empower women and humans, people and where people can find you.
Yeah, I primarily hang out on Instagram at Vanessa Calderon MD and on my podcast,
The Authentic Path. It's called The Authentic Path with Vanessa Calderon. I think it's with Dr.
Vanessa Calderon. I think that's what the official title is, but you can find it anywhere.
Theauthenticpathpodcast.com. Yeah, I essentially help women. They're all professionals,
doctors, lawyers, engineers, essentially. I help professional women feel better and create their
dreams and desires. And whether that's a business, whether that's generating wealth, whether that's
being an entrepreneur and starting an online business. And all of it comes through this beautiful
path of coming home to yourself and to come home to yourself. There's healing that gets to happen,
you know, and I feel like I've. have all these special gifts I get to give back to the world. And
at the core of all of it is healing. I come from a long indigenous line of healers.
And lo and behold, here I am as a healer. I thought my path was to be a Western doctor. And so I
did all of that. And I'm so grateful to have those tools. And I still practice clinically because I
absolutely love it. And I realized there's so much more to a human soul,
to their spirit, to all of them than what we can see with medicine. Like I think about all the
patients that come in with abdominal pain and 95% of abdominal pain is NOS, abdominal pain,
NOS. That's how we diagnose it. And chest pain, the same thing. Like we don't know why you're
having abdominal pain or chest pain. We don't know in the... like Western medicine, but what if
there were other tools to help you figure out what's happening and to help you heal so you no
longer have to have chronic pain or have all of these other things? And so... It's such a gift what
I get to do. I just think about, you know, in the indigenous beliefs that I practice,
we believe that time is not linear, but that time is circular. And so what that means is when you
heal for yourself, Erica and Vanessa, like when we heal for ourselves, we are healing the
generations that came before us and also the generations that come after us. you know, there's
Newtonian kind of conceptual thoughts of time, which is that time is also not linear,
but that time exists in multiple dimensions. So there's multiple dimensions happening at the same
exact time. And now I know this is getting a little meta over here, but I named that because when
you heal in this dimension, you're healing all these other dimensions and going backwards and
forwards and all these other things. And it is just the most powerful experience. Think about the
butterfly effect, you know, when one butterfly flops their wings. how impactful that can be and
backwards and forwards and in all of these dimensions. And so that's exactly what's possible when
one human decides, I don't like the way I feel anymore. I like feeling stressed or burnt out or
exhausted or overgive or over-responsible or guilty or ashamed. I don't like this anymore. I want
something different. And as soon as you decide that, I hope you feel better. And on the way to
feeling better, boy, do you feel better. You feel great. You feel home. You feel great. And like
you said, yes, it heals past, and I've healed past wounds and traumas. And the goal is,
well, the goal, I mean, it sounds very Western, but the intention is for anybody who is doing this
work to become parents. And let's talk about what happens when we heal our own wounds.
Fertility is just the access point. Business development is just the access point for your people,
right? That then has a ripple effect to all the generations which are going to happen after that.
And I think when I think about that, the thought of the impact and what that is, that's just like
so incredibly powerful. It blows my mind to think about the ripple effect of future generations.
It's so beautiful. Yeah, it's so interesting you say that, Erica. I think about parents that have
become parents through fertility and the journey you had to take. the surrender, the peace, like
everything you had to do and the type of parent you become because you were able to go through that
journey. That's really incredibly powerful, you know, to think about that. And the love story,
you know, I think people say, should I disclose this to my child? Should I? And I say, this is,
this is a love story. I mean, people need to do whatever they feel most comfortable with. There's
emerging data about what is, you know, the most helpful for people at different stages and such,
but. I think that to say you are so loved, you look, look at what we did to,
to bring you here. I just, I love that, that, that angle, because it is, you watch,
you watch this happen over time and to know that somebody was so wanted and so loved, I think is,
is a, is a huge blessing. So with that, is there anything else? Thank you. Thank you.
I know it's just, these things come to me because you see it. Are you talking about capital T
truths? You know, there's the pictures of the, the babies with all the, have you seen these
pictures of all the, the needles around them? Right. Of all the injections and all of the
appointments and all of the everything. It's just, oh my goodness. It's just like, it's truly a
love story. So with that, is there anything else you want our listeners to hear before we say
goodbye for now? Because we know this is not. Yeah. I mean, honestly, just a deep bow of gratitude
to you, Dr. Erica, and everything you bring to this world and to your clients and the people that
work with you, man, they have no idea how lucky they are because. You're not paying me to say this.
You didn't ask me to say this either, but I will just say, knowing you personally, knowing you
professionally, knowing the passion, the love, the deep, like everything that you bring to your
practice, to your connection with each one of your clients and your patients, like it is what a,
gosh, what a gift. So for all of you listening, again, Erica didn't ask me to say this,
but for all of you listening, like. If you are really looking for a fertility, like a partner,
really like a partner with you on this journey that is compassionate and brilliant and smart and
intelligent, it's going to bring you all of these gifts together. Wow. I wouldn't think of anyone
else besides you. I just deep out gratitude for you and everything you bring. Thank you. Thank you
for that. And I'm so grateful to do this work and it's, it's working. I mean, it's just, the magic
is happening and community is growing and I'm so very grateful and I'm so grateful to know you and
to, and how you transform my life with the way that I think about the world and, and power and
being a woman and what wealth actually means. And, and thank you for that because you are indeed
one of a kind and you are. It's you and all your ancestors. And it just,
every time I talk with you, I just like, I feel your power. It's so beautiful. So thank you, Dr.
Vanessa. Thanks for being a guest here. And I can't wait to share this with the audience. And to my
loves, you know how much I love you until the next time. Bye.