Mother's Day: Surviving the Day with Grace and Self Compassion
There's no way around it: Mother's Day is complicated for most people, especially while on the fertility journey.
Truly, most people approach this day with trepidation and dread, however this robs us of our power.
In today's episode, we discuss the following:
Why Mother's Day is so painful
My Top 10 strategies to make Mother's Day more tolerable
How to hold the tension of unrealized dreams and still acknowledge progress
A few stories of hope since last Mother's Day
The longer I live, the more I understand that if something has nuance, complexity and paradox, it's probably getting me closer to the truth. This episode is no exception. Let the wisdom here guide you as you approach Mother's Day (let's be honest--we know it's not just the day itself, but also the anticipation of the day), and let's take back our power together.
Another Helpful Episode
Mother's Day: Strategies to Navigate with Agency and Self-Compassion
As always, please keep in mind that this is my perspective and nothing in this podcast is medical advice.
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https://calendly.com/loveandsciencefertility/discovery-call
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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.
In Gratitude,
Dr. Erica Bove
Transcript:
Hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Love and Science podcast. This is a really hard time of year, right? I know we talk about the holidays as being stressful with gatherings and family members and all those things. I think as we approach Mother's Day and even Father's Day, I don't know about you, but I just have this sense of dread. And I think about every single one of my patients and every single one of my clients and unrealized dreams and hopes and expectations and sadness. And you know, I really want to offer support.
I want to offer love. And I want to say every single feeling that you're feeling as we approach these days, every single feeling makes sense. You make sense. So with that, I wanted to kind of unpack what makes Mother's Day so painful, right? And what can we do as we think about Mother's Day to make it even just a little bit more tolerable, right? So I think there's maybe three main reasons why Mother's Day is so hard.
I think as it rolls around, as an anniversary of sorts, it marks what we had hoped for, which hasn't been realized yet. So if you had had a transfer and you thought you would be pregnant by now or say you even got pregnant but had a loss or say your own mother is sick and you don't know what's going to happen or maybe your mother has passed in the last year. There's so many reasons to feel very tender during this time. And I think as I think about coaching and I think about how can I help my people suffer less, I think about pain and suffering, right?
And there's pain, which is the thing that actually happens, which of course is painful.
But then there's all the layers of stories and judgment and shame and blame and regret in all those complex feelings. And that all adds to the suffering. So as I think about why Mother's Day is so complicated for so many people, as you think about yourself, think about, okay, what is the pain and what am I making this mean in my own life? Am I making it mean I'm a bad person because I'm not yet a parent, et cetera? Really think about that question because I really think that many times we suffer even beyond that insult, that pain, because we have that second arrow of self judgment.
So I just want to offer to you that yes, Mother's Day is a marker of unrealized dreams and hopes and maybe some fears rolled in there too, of course. And also think about, you know, what am I making this mean about myself? And is there any layers I can shed to lighten the load? And we'll get into some strategies too. I just wanted to offer that. The second reason I think Mother's Day can be so painful is the grief of it all. Right. So I think of Elizabeth Kugler Ross and everything she wrote about death and dying and, you know, infertility in a sense is death, right? It's the loss of a dream, right?
Many people are on the path and they will realize their dream, but there's that uncertainty. So it's like, will this happen to me? Will this not happen to me? And there's that threat of either not becoming a parent or not growing your family. I understand it so, so well. And the thing about grief is it's non-linear, right? So it's, you know, we think that maybe we've taken care of something or worked through something or handled something. And then this happens to me all the time. Right. And then like something happens where I'm just like this again, like I thought I worked through this, right? I thought I was over this, but that's how grief is, right? There is nostalgia and there's memories and there's all sorts of embodiment stuff that's all wrapped in.
And you know, I think that if we can acknowledge this as a, as a grief journey, right? This is a journey of grief. We realize it's non-linear. We realize it's a spiral. We realize that similar things are going to come back in different forms, even if we're doing the work, right?
I think it normalizes a lot of what happens because sometimes we can just feel like we're being whipped around, right? Like there's, like we are not, we do not have the locus of control. We do not have any agency because all these feelings and emotions and memories are really just whipping us around. But I think if we can say like, this is normal grief, this is complex grief. I don't need to suffer alone. Like all those things, I do think it can make this day and this season even a little bit less painful, right? The third reason I think Mother's Day is so painful is because, you know, similar to the first two things, it really can bring up some complex emotions like shame, like I should be a mother by now, right?
Or I shouldn't have waited so long to start my family. Again, I don't believe these things. I'm just saying what people tell me in terms of their internal experience or maybe, you know, I didn't try hard enough or I didn't want it bad enough or maybe the universe is telling me I shouldn't be a mother or I just feel like such a failure. These are the things that I hear day in, day out and it makes sense, right? Because that's what we're conditioned to think. But I promise you, you are good. You are not bad, right?
You are essentially good. You are not a failure. You have not failed. If anything, the science has failed you. So, you know, with that, just understanding these three things, right? Like the difference from reality and expectations and where we hope that we would be by now, the grief of it all and the complicated emotions such as shame, failure, regret, all those things rolled in as we approach this day, we go to the pharmacy and we see the cars and we see specials that come to our in basket, you know, where we see signs up in our local town as we drive places, maybe in our place of worship, we see something honoring mothers.
You know, there's so many triggers that are out there and just understanding it all makes sense. I think that's a really helpful starting place. So yes, let's just call it out. Mother's day is painful. And even if you have a mother that you love and have a good relationship with or maybe even a grandmother, if you're so lucky to have that or aunts and cousins and sisters and you know, there's, there's a lot of pain too. And I think the more that we can hold that tension of all of those things at the same time, the more equipped we are to approach this day and truly get through the day. So then, you know, those of you who coached with me know I'm all about taking back our power, right? So what are we to do in this complex web of emotions and fears and, and hopes and dreams and all those things?
What are we to do? So I have 10 suggestions. I know that's a lot. And I'm also going to reference you back to my episode last year on Mother's day. But you know, I was thinking about just reposting that recording because it is so rich and it is so beautiful, but I am an entirely different person compared to last year. My patients, my clients, my, they have transformed me, right? You have transformed me. And I have much more wisdom this year than I did last year.
And I really thought, you know, I need to honor those new stories. I need to honor the sadness. I need to honor the hope. I need to honor all of it because, gosh, a year of stories. I mean, I'm just humbled to think of how many lives I've been a part of during this time and how each person's wisdom, each person's pain, each person's success, you know, whatever it is, it's all part of the collective of this collective evolution. So yes, I will post the replay of last year's podcast episode for Mother's day. But I also think we need to honor that as a community, we are evolving.
There are children in the world that exist now that did not because people gave themselves a chance, right? They gave, they trusted their doctors. They trusted me as their coach. They crossed the bridge to the other side. And there's people who are actively pregnant right now who understand that at one point this seemed completely impossible. And now, you know, now things have changed and there was not that, you know, being a pregnant person certainly comes with its own fears and anxieties, but even getting to that point, I truly believe that there is hope for each person who's listening.
Each person who has that desire in their heart to become a parent will become a parent one way or another. So I will share some of those stories at the end. And you can tune out if you don't want to. I know sometimes that can be triggering as well, but like I said, as a community, we are evolving. And these are some of the things that I've learned that really can help soften the journey and just get us to a place of peacefulness and acceptance as we navigate the uncertainty of it all.
So the first suggestion I have is to give yourself some grace, especially as type A high achieving women, many doctors, right? Like my clients are mostly doctors. We are so incredibly hard on ourselves, right? We have this harsh, harsh inner critic who's always telling us like you're not doing a good job, but you know, not doing good enough.
You need to take better care of patients. You know, you're late to your fertility appointment.
You you let the milk go bad. Like I don't even know what it is, but like, you know, oh, you're, you know, you gained five pounds. You got to fit back in those jeans. The summer is coming, whatever it is, right? Like that negative running tape that is so destructive and so hard, right? Like that exists for so many of us. And part of my goal as a coach is to actually teach each person who works with me to change that inner critic into an inner coach, right? Much, much different energy, much, much different language. And it just feels so much better to be coached than criticized, right? But yes, I mean, I think if we can just give ourselves some grace and understand that, you know, being a woman physician, being a woman professional who's undergoing this process, it is incredibly hard. It wears on our self concept. It wears on our relationships. You know, it, it, it's an emotional load and a burden and the worrying like it is, it is hard.
So just treat yourself like your best friend would acknowledge that you are doing your best to give yourself some grace and everything you're going through makes sense, right? Every single emotion that you have makes sense. So that's my first suggestion. It's not easy. It's learnable. It's a learnable skill to give yourself grace, but it's a really, really important starting place. My second suggestion is to feel your feelings. And you've heard me say this a million times. I would rather clean a toilet than feel my feelings. It is a daily discipline. I make space in my calendar to feel my feelings because honestly, left in my own devices, I would fill my calendar.
I would be super productive and I would never feel a feeling until bam, right? All of a sudden, like when I don't even suspect it, the feelings come out in a weird way because guess what? They don't actually go away. So I've learned that if I can be proactive with my feelings, then they don't come out in strange ways and then I can actually process them and then let them go. And they don't make me do strange things because I just don't understand myself. So, you know, if you're like me, this is again, a learnable skill, but maybe not something that you learned in second grade or medical school for that matter.
And so one thing I love helping people with is learning how to feel their feelings. And so a lot of this is embodiment, right? So it's where is this feeling located in my body?
How can I understand where it is, how it feels, what the texture is, what the color is, you know, does it move when I take a deep breath? Like what feeling is it associated with, right?
What is it anxiety? Is it fear? Is it shame? Is it sadness? Like in some cases actually many, many emotions at the same time, but we need to understand that yes, we can feel 10, 15, 20 emotions at the same time. Some of them are usually louder than others. Not that we shouldn't give our attention to the, that small voice who's just kind of like poking, poking, poking, but usually there's an emotion who's really asking for our attention. So as a discipline, as a practice, I've learned to regularly feel my feelings. Even if you do my love and science course, you'll know we do three feelings, seconds a day on our smartphones. And then we get data. We all have data. And then we can kind of understand like what situations are there patterns? Like on Mondays, I tend to feel a certain way.
Oh, isn't that interesting? Oh, on, you know, Saturdays, this happens. Like on vacations, this happens. Like a lot of its context in there, but there is a rhythm. So when we can start to understand ourselves better, not only can we get the tools to navigate the feelings, but we can actually like preempt some things, right? Or we can just say, Oh yeah, this is what happens on Mondays. I'm just going to ride this wave and I will be well. Right.
Rather than letting it completely wreck a day. So feeling the feelings are super important.
You know, there's many, many feelings associated with Mother's day. Like I said, maybe it's shame, maybe it's fear, maybe it's grief, maybe it's guilt, maybe it's regret, like all the different feelings, hopelessness, powerlessness, you name it, like the infertility journey is just full of feelings. So as you can feel those feelings in your body, breathe through them. And I can help you with this. If you'd like some support, let those feelings go.
Then we can actually move forward in a way that we're not weighed down. We're not controlled by the things that are in our subconscious, making us act in strange ways. So that's number two is make space to feel the feelings and process your feelings and let them go. My third suggestion is to do something kind for yourself. Right. Like who here has not like looked at a mother getting flowers or a husband getting their wife a push present, which as an OBGYN, I abhor that phrase. I just have to say it, but we all know it happens.
You know, we look at these like, you know, families with children and maybe they're intact families, you know, I'm a divorced person. Right. So I look at those sorts of families with a certain judgmental eye at times, right? Or maybe it's envy. I'm not sure. But it's, it's so easy to look at what we don't have and feel like a victim or feel less than, or just feel bad.
That's another reason I think we should all stay off of social media on Mother's day.
That's an aside. But I think that, you know, if we can do something kind for ourselves, like I will tell you as a divorced woman, I regularly buy myself flowers. I know there was that song that got really popular about it, but like truly when I buy myself flowers, it's me saying, I value me, right? I value myself. I love myself. I do not need another person to do this for me. I do not need to feel bad. Another person is not doing this for me. I love myself. Right. And so if we can be kind to ourselves first and foremost, then we can start to fill our own well.
And it just helps us look at what we do have instead of the lack, right? I just read this book about the gap and the gain. We're so focused on the gap, right? But if we can do something kind of, maybe we even buy ourselves ourselves a piece of jewelry on Mother's day. Like I know everyone's finances are different, but like why in the world would we not like, I bought myself a Peloton or Mother's day, like a couple of years ago, Peloton bike. It was lovely. And it's like, why, why don't we do that? Right? Like we're waiting for other people to do something. They don't do it.
We get angry. We have these expectations. They're not met like so much of the time we can just do these things for ourselves. And if somebody else does something for us, fantastic.
It's a bonus. But I think especially on a day, which is Mother's day, where so many people just because they exist as mothers, no sort of means that there's sort of this channel for recognition cards, flowers, et cetera. If you are not a mother yet, or even if you are and you, you know, feel resentful on, on this day, right? Do something kind for yourself. I promise you it will help. Okay. So that's, that's explained. Number four. Okay. Number four is to, and many people don't have this, but I can help you if you don't, cause we have love and science. Number four is to connect with somebody else who understands.
So everybody for the most part has the ride or die, right? Like, I mean, I would say for the most part, the hard part is that not everybody has a friend who's undergoing infertility. So that can be kind of tricky because people can be insensitive. But what I will say is like, as I'm approaching a holiday or an anniversary, that might be tricky or maybe even it's just like a meeting that I'm anxious about. I text my people and like, sometimes it's even without too much explanation. It's like heading into a meeting, send me some good vibes or pray for me or like send me some good energy, like whatever it is.
And like, maybe it's just because I choose people who are like a little bit strange like me or, or kind of just like a little different, but without even asking any questions, my friends are like done energy sent prayer sent, you know, and it's just like, it's such a nice feeling. And so I think that sometimes we are so reluctant to ask for help or ask for support or, you know, whatever it is, when we really could use that extra boost from somebody who cares about us, right? We all have friends from different stages of life, even if we just move to a new area, because the world of medicine makes us move five gajillion times, right? We have people that if we could say, Hey, it's a tough day.
Can you send me some extra love? I am positive that every single person on this podcast has at least somebody who in their world who would deliver on that, right? So, you know, I will tell you like, again, you know, my divorce is the hardest thing in my life right now.
So I have my very good friend, Jenny, she's also divorced. We connected, we reconnected through our divorces, believe it or not. She was my attending when I was a resident and now we're very, very good friends. And, you know, I think just like when there's this shared experience, like she knows so well, all the things that like so many people wouldn't understand who aren't going through this journey, right? Like there's so much I just don't even need to explain to her. So when I say something, like something happened and she gets it, I know she really gets it. She gets me, she doesn't judge. That is super key to find somebody in a life who does not judge you. And then just like understanding that we can share these burdens together. And she does the same for me. It's wonderful. Like just knowing that she understands helps me approach these hard days.
Like even if it's Mother's Day and I'm like, Hey, I'm super anxious about Mother's Day coming up. Like, you know, I know she gets it. And so I like to be like, I like to prepare ahead of time. I kind of like to know what my like emotional support plan is going to be. So if there's somebody in your life who, you know, has been supportive in the past, like I even have a client right now and her sister, like they, they are close, right? But like maybe they don't talk all the time and they don't talk about the hard things. But I said, just ask her for 30 minutes of her time so you can share what's going on. You know, like sometimes it takes some vulnerability, but I think when we can reach out to somebody who gets us and loves us, it makes all the difference. So just think about who your inner circle is. Think about who your ride or die is. And as this day approaches, just say like, Hey, I'm anticipating kind of a hard day.
Like let's brainstorm some ways to make it better together. Or can we, you know, can you send me some memes or can, you know, can I phone a friend if things get tough or maybe we could go for a walk of somebody's local, whatever it is. There are so many creative ways to talk to somebody who else who understands, but we're so, like I said, reluctant, we're so isolated.
We think we quote unquote should do everything ourselves. We shouldn't need anybody or anything. It's just like staunch independence, hyper independence. It's a trauma response by the way. Um, but the more we can lead into friendship and sharing, it really, really does help diffuse the burden. And then it also opens the channels of when our friends need us that they feel that they can share as well. So that's again, explanatory number four, connect with someone who understands number five. Okay. Number five is a bit of work.
And I always say anybody who works with me needs to be motivated because growth happens outside of our comfort zone. Anything that we do to grow is going to be the result of introspection and journaling and really doing the personal work to see our limiting beliefs, overcoming those beliefs, um, choosing new, you know, choosing new thoughts and feelings and all the things. So yes, growth is work, but it is a worthwhile investment. Right?
So this is, this is number five journal about who am I beyond this quest for motherhood?
And I know it's hard because it's like, all I've ever wanted is to be a mom. Like I just want to, I just want it to happen. I wanted it to happen yesterday, but I think that what happens is we fuse a meaningful life and being a mother in the same sort of, we just fuse it, right? It's like one, or I've heard so many times, like I just need a child to complete the puzzle of my family. Like that is the one missing piece of my family. And I will say like nothing happens to complete anything, even when a child is born, right? Like there are new worries and new problems and new, you know, new joys of course, but like life is evolving, life is continuous.
And so I think if we can sort of gain a sense of perspective and say, okay, this is who I am. And you know, maybe you're a spouse, maybe you are a daughter, maybe you're a physician or a CEO or an attorney, maybe you're an amazing aunt to your nieces and nephews, you know, whatever it is, I think understanding that we are more than our quest for parenthood is really, really, really important. So, you know, there's this exercise when I meditate and you know, we start and say, okay, like say your name, I am Erica Bove. Okay, fine. Then say, I am Erica. And then you meditate on that. Okay, fine. And then you say, I am.
So that's super cool, right? Because when I think of I am, I think of the creator, I think of the feminine divine, I think of who I am beyond even this physical body, right?
I think about who I am without my last name. I think of my soul essence, right? And I am on this earth to fulfill a purpose. Part of that is to heal the healers on a fertility journey. I know this deeply, but when I can say I am, that actually reminds me of my divinity, which is not attached to any role I play, which is not attached to my job as a physician.
It's not attached to any of it. And it brings me back to my spiritual source. And so I would journal, like I said, I love a good journal prompt, you know, just about like, okay, what is this quest for motherhood mean to me? And who am I beyond this quest of being a mother?
Because I always say if we have a deeper, deepest fear, we have to go there in our minds.
Like I firmly believe that every single person who wants to become a parent will become a parent, right? It may not be the strong plan A, but every single person has a journey.
However, I think if we sort of get so attached to the idea that a meaningful life only includes becoming a parent, then the threat of that not happening or the threat of it not happening on our timeline or in a certain way, it just takes away our power, right? So this is about regaining a sense of perspective, taking back our agency and surrendering, because in doing that we understand that we are divine, we will have a meaningful life.
For most of us that probably will involve a pathway to parenthood, even as painful as that is. But this, this journey does not define us. And I think that's super important to remember as we navigate and call out this day. Okay, you guys are with me, little break, shifting your seats, take a couple of deep breaths, because now we're on the second half. Number six, this is me being proactive again, have a plan for the day with exit strategies. And also on that day, think about what things you can control and what you can't.
Okay. So, you know, for instance, say you are going to your hometown to celebrate Mother's Day with your mother if you're so lucky to be able to do that, right? For me personally, like I think about, you know, that is, that is going to be something that I do, right? On Mother's Day as I go to my hometown and spend that day, you know, what would help me have a sense of personal power on that day? What would help me ground myself, center myself? So no matter what happens that day, I am fully equipped to handle it. For me, that's actually exercise.
So in my mind, I'm like, okay, how can I make sure that exercise is a part of my day on Mother's Day? Because that's me taking back my agency because that is something that reminds me I'm strong, reminds me I'm aligned, reminds me I'm powerful. It's a little tricky because lately there's been some, you know, stray dogs on the dirt roads and things like that.
I've made a little trickier for me to feel comfortable running outside, which I love to do, but there's classes, there's yoga, there's other things. And so if I'm committed and if I have a plan, like I can't just decide on the morning of, Oh, I think yoga sounds like a great idea and there's church and there's brunch and all these things. But I think if I sort of figure out ahead of time, how am I going to work that in my day? Then I'm like, okay, I've done something for myself today back to like doing something kind of for yourself.
I've sweated out. I've changed my physiology. I've changed my brain chemistry. For me, that is going to help me, like I said, like have some agency in that day, no matter what happens, right? Mother's Day historically has been tricky for me, right? As a divorced person, I try to keep the expectations low, which is another suggestion I have. But I think like having a plan for the day. So say you are going to Mother's Day brunch and your sister-in-law is there.
Say it's your husband, sister, and she just had a new baby. You do not really want to be around this baby, but you feel like you quote unquote have to be around this baby. You know, this is one of the most painful things, right? And it's not because you're a bad person. It's just because babies are triggering and you want to have the baby. You don't want to have to just like, ooh, you know, ooh and aah over somebody else's baby and maybe it's not even authentic. You want your own baby and that makes sense. So, you know, if you need to be somewhere, right? Like you can contain it. You can say to your partner like, Hey, I think I've got a solid hour, but beyond that, I got to go, right?
Or if you say, you know what, I'm going to give myself permission that if this is too triggering, if this is too painful, I will say I don't feel well because guess what?
You don't in that situation, right? That's not a lie. I don't feel well and I need to excuse myself and I'm sorry. And I hope everybody has a good rest of the day, right? Like that is a completely acceptable thing to do. We just have to give ourselves permission to do that. Um, you know, I think, uh, you know, there's, there's certain, maybe it's a mother in law situation and you have a mother in law who really causes a lot of conflict. I was talking with somebody just yesterday about their mother in law and how hard that is for their whole family structure. And so maybe you say like, if my mother in law starts to do her typical antics or make intrusive comments or judgments or statements, like I gotta take a break, right? And it's not out of disrespect. It's really out of a healthy, loving boundary and self preservation.
So have a plan, have your strong play day and then give yourself permission to be flexible if things arise so that you know that you will not be abandoning yourself on this day. Um, so that's my, that's my sixth suggestion. Number seven, which I just sort of mentioned in passing is keep your expectations low. You know, I think when we're like, Oh, and it's going to be so wonderful and we're going to have the perfect brunch and everybody's going to be so well behaved and you know, all these things, it's just a set up for failure. So I have a lot of experience with this. Just keep the expectations low.
It is a Sunday. It is a day. It happens to me, Mother's day. If wonderful things happen this day, fantastic. But you know what? The day will pass. You will wake up Monday. You know, it's going to be okay. So just try to keep the expectations low because I think, you know, especially with such a loaded day, maybe just like surviving the day sometimes is a good goal. Okay. What else? Um, number eight, listen to yourself and give yourself permission not to meet someone else's expectations, right? So this goes hand in hand for with number six about having a plan for the day.
So we as recovering people pleasers are so quick to do something to not cause somebody else pain, right? Or we're always putting ourselves out at the expense of ourselves, right? Because we're like, Oh no, that other person takes the priority. I don't want discomfort. I don't want conflict. I don't want, you know, somebody to think I don't like them or don't appreciate them, whatever it is. Right. But to the point where we run ourselves ragged. So our bodies back to embodiment, our bodies have this inner wisdom and if we can really tune into it, it's going to tell us the right thing to do.
And maybe that's even like, Oh, I'm tired. I think I need a nap. Like that is the body signal saying I need rest. That's perfectly acceptable. Maybe you're hungry and you need a snack. Maybe you need some fresh air. Maybe you need to go for a quick drive. Like whatever it is or an excuse to go to the pharmacy, I'm not sure whatever it is, but our bodies know our bodies keep the score. So if we feel like we're forcing ourselves to do a certain thing, when we have like a physical or an emotional need, that's not being met, give ourselves permission to meet those needs, right? And listen to yourself, right? We're so often overriding our bodies like, Oh, I'm going to see one more patient.
I'm not going to pee in the middle. Oh, I'm going to, you know, not, you know, use the restroom during a 14 hour surgical case, like whatever it is. Oh, I'm not going to eat because I don't really have time to go to the cafeteria. I'm going to be late for my first afternoon patient, whatever. Like again, we are constantly abandoning ourselves for the sake of other people, but that is not sustainable. And so, you know, really listen to yourself.
Like it is okay if you're on to your mother-in-law or whoever it is, it's disappointed because if to honor that person would be to disappoint yourself and to abandon yourself. And you know, with all the resentment that comes with that, like it is better to listen to ourselves and to be authentic and to figure out, you know, how we can honor both people with love and respect at the same time. And that there is that that's, that's a loving flexible boundary.
That is when we can honor both people at the same time. It's tricky. We've got to learn how to do that. Sometimes we need a guide, but I give you permission to honor your needs because you are worth it. Okay. Number nine, you've heard me say this before is to stay off of social media. Social media is the top 5% that people want. This is like how people want their lives to be, what they want you to think their lives are like. And all it does is it induces this comparing.
It makes us depressed and anxious. There's data to show this and on a day like mother's day, sweet baby Jesus, seriously, like it is just, you know, bonnets and flowers and dresses. And I'm not saying that's not actually happening, but people are just filtering out all the other stuff that would make life seem a little bit more real. Right. So I don't know. I think social media in general, like I really, I mean, I'm on it because I serve in Facebook groups. I'm on it because I do like to see what's going on in the lives of people who I care about. For me personally, I have to limit it. I have to contain it. But on days that I know are going to be triggering like, you know, mother's day or father's day or holidays, you know, you guys know I'm divorced.
And so some of these things come up and they're really, really hard. Even still, I just stay off social media because, you know, I'm less worried that somebody's going to be disappointed that I didn't like their post or love their post or make a comment because I'm like, you know what? Every single time I see this over and over again, it's like cut and it hurts my soul. And I'm just not going to do that to myself. And so give yourself permission to stay off social media. Know that is actually medicine. You are protecting yourself and then carry on. Okay. My 10th suggestion if you're hanging in with me is to think about all the progress in the last year, you know, just as these anniversaries and these holidays can be reminders of what hasn't happened. We also can look at it as a marker of like, you know it, I understand I'm not where I wanted to be at this point.
However, look at the progress I've made. I do not know a single person who has not actually made objective progress in their fertility journeys over the last year. Like you'd have to be like on some sort of island in like the ocean, right? Like being fed food from helicopters to make no progress, right? Like every single person I know either has, you know, more embryos now than they did last year, or maybe they have a surgery which gave them a new diagnosis, or maybe they were able to understand more about the egg in the sperm quality that's going to help them with their next steps, or maybe they, you know, are newly pregnant and it's been a long journey, right? They're still very anxious, but maybe that's happening.
You know, maybe somebody switched REIs and now they finally feel like they're being heard and loved and respected and treated as an individual. Like I would say most people love their REI, but there are some people and you just know it's not the right fit. And so, you know, that's something to celebrate. Hey, I like my REI. I trust my REI. That's going to make me trust the process. It's going to make me sort of surrender more and understand I'm being cared for. I don't have to be my own advocate, like every single second of the day. And when we can do that, we lose the hypervigilance that then increases the cortisol and makes us super stressed out. And I truly believe it makes the process work better.
So every single person, just like factors for authentic hope, every single person has factors that are progress factors in their journey. And I think that's why we start our support groups with the one of the week, unless we all those things out and write them down, like grab your journal again, just as you journaled about who am I beyond this motherhood quest, right? Also journal about what's different in my fertility journey now compared to last year. What is better? What is progress? Where am I going? Because I promise you, even if it feels like three steps forward and two steps back, every single person I know on the fertility journey is making progress. So just hold that.
Okay. So I'm going to do this like David Letterman style, because I'm old enough to remember David Letterman. And we're going to talk about the top 10 again for review. And then we'll talk about some stories of hope. Number one, give yourself grace and you make sense. Number two, feel your feelings. Number three, do something kind for yourself. Number four, connect with someone who understands. Number five, journal about who am I beyond this quest for motherhood. Number six, have a plan for the day with what you can control and exit strategies. Number seven, keep your expectations low. Number eight, listen to yourself and give yourself permission not to meet someone else's expectations. Number nine, stay off of social media. Number 10, think about all the progress in the last year. So I love those. I'm sure next year when I record a Mother's Day podcast, that list will be modified, evolved, because like I said, I evolve. I am continually changed by the people I have the privilege of working with. I cannot tell you even as I was walking today in the beautiful 80 degree weather in upstate New York, whoo, it was actually nice today. I was walking today and listening to my podcast from last year. And I'd mentioned a cousin of mine who, you know, has been trying, tried to get pregnant with fertility treatments and everything. And she and her husband decided to adopt.
Although as we all know, even adoption is quite the process. And as of last year, she and her husband had been waiting for a very long time already to match with the family. And just a couple of weeks ago, she reached out to me and said that she and her husband had matched and that they were going to have a child in October. And I mean that thinking about the fact that I recorded this podcast a year ago, and it's been a whole other year, but now they have their pathway to parenthood, right? Like I just warm my heart so much. And you know, I think every single person here, like how much can happen in a year, a whole lot can happen in a year. And maybe next Mother's Day, you're not exactly where you want to be yet, but maybe you'll be well into a pregnancy. Maybe you will have matched with a gestational carrier in that process of undergoing. Maybe you will have matched with an adoptive family.
Like what, maybe you'll finally have good embryos, whatever it is. Like I truly believe that there are so many stories of hope. You know, I can think of so many clients of mine that love and science who have had wonderful outcomes. As you all know, our first love and science baby was actually born in November, which is super amazing. Our love and science graduate and her baby, they're doing super well. She's actually now thinking about returning once her baby's old enough to do this again. And at one point she was like, there's no way this is ever going to happen. None of these embryos are going to work. And to think about having another child after all this, right? It's like, I don't know, it's just so beautiful because when we can support and guide and change the mindset and all those things, it really gives way to so many possibilities. So yes, our first love and science baby was born in November. We've had, we have several clients who are pregnant right now.
We have a client in her third trimester, which is wonderful after a long journey of recurrent loss, even with you played embryos. So that's a beautiful story. We have another client who's in her second trimester after a very long journey as well. We have another client who's in our first trimester. You know, I will also say there's very, very sad stories too. There's patients and clients of mine who have had miscarriages or maybe they haven't gotten pregnant after a long awaited embryo transfer. And so we honor that too. You know, I will say so much happens in a year and I really do think every single person has their journey. We do not understand why certain timing is the way it is, but if we stay persistent, if we stay authentically hopeful, if we stay grounded in community and you know, and all of the coaching tools that we are so grateful to have days past progress happens.
And you know, as we approach even the next mother's day, we can say, okay, either I've met my goal, right? I I'm where I want it to be, or I'm closer and I can actually start to see it happening. Um, so what I would say is if you are not yet at your goal now, or you're in that place where you're like, I just can't even see this happening. Mother's day is coming up at one point. I thought all I wanted was to become a mother, but I've had so much bad news and I'm like, I'm down in the dumps. Let's have a conversation. You know, I promise that what I can offer is community compassion, self compassion, tools to navigate uncertainty, tools to navigate the bad news, because in every journey there's good news and there's bad news. We tend to focus on the bad news, but the whole point is to get somebody to the other side to parenthood, or they are loved, where they are whole, where they are intact, where the infertility journey did not take everything from them. Right?
Just like in that journaling exercise, we get to zoom out and have a sense of perspective.
You know, you deserve joy. You deserve grace. You deserve self kindness. You deserve love.
All those things, which can seem so hard to access, so hard to receive. But what coaching does is it really helps us give ourselves permission to feel the feelings, to receive an embryo even, right? And so if it hasn't worked this far, give this a try. Let's have a conversation. Our support groups are amazing for people who choose the one-on-one coaching.
That is also incredibly wonderful with so many transformations and our community continues to grow and evolve. And so maybe as a gift to yourself this Mother's Day, give yourself a call with me so I can provide my perspective. I can share with you the resources. Like I said, I'm on this earth to do this work, to heal the healers on their fertility journeys.
It is my calling. It is my zone of genius. And there's nothing I would love more around this time of Mother's Day, right? To get you off on a better path, to give you the mindset, to give you the tools, to give you the authentic hope, to give you my perspective on your situation, to help you feel loved and supported and get you on your pathway to parenthood. So with that we can do hard things like navigate Mother's Day. Like I said, sometimes the anticipation is even worse than the actual thing.
So I completely understand that as we walk towards this date on our calendar, it can be very anxiety provoking, but we have everything we need to navigate it. We have all the tools, we have all the support. And so lean in, lean into vulnerability, lean into the resources that are available, including the lean into your Facebook communities, lean into your support groups, right? We have it all here so we can navigate together. You know I'm rooting for you and I love you. And I'll see you on the other side. Until the next time. Bye.
