Mother's Day: Strategies to Navigate with Agency and Self-Compassion
Today we explore how to approach Mother's Day, which is this coming weekend. We discuss how our expectations can set us up for additional suffering, and how to handle triggers in the best way possible.
We invite you to connect with your feminine divine energy and to acknowledge the women in your life who have mothered you, even if you do not share a biological connection. Similarly, we invite you to consider the many ways you may already connect with this energy, nurturing and supporting the people (and sometimes pets) in your life.
We explore how a coaching lens can take us from feeling complex and negative feelings about this day, to being more in alignment with how we want to feel about this day. Having awareness of our thoughts and feelings is the first step in deciding whether these thoughts and feelings serve us, and whether we want to make even small shifts to make us feel more calm and grounded.
Most importantly, we discuss creating space for self compassion and grace during this time, and also leaning on the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer to get us through.
Another Helpful Episode
Mother's Day: Surviving the Day with Grace and Self Compassion
As always, please keep in mind that this is my perspective and nothing in this podcast is medical advice.
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In Gratitude,
Dr. Erica Bove
Transcript:
Hello, my loves, it's me, Dr. Erica Bove, and welcome back to the Love and Science podcast. This week's episode is in honor of Mother's Day, and I just wanted to say Mother's Day can be so very complex for so many reasons, and even more so if we're on the fertility journey. So before I get into what I have to share with you today, I really just want us all to give ourselves grace, wherever we are, whatever our path is at this point in time. Maybe we are trying to get pregnant right now, maybe we're trying to grow our family, maybe we've taken a pause in our fertility treatments, maybe we've had a loss and mother's day is a day of grieving. Maybe it's a combination of the above, and also maybe perhaps we have a complicated relationship with our own mother, which can make it harder now. As an aside, I will say I'm fortunate that I do not have a complicated relationship, but I do know many people who are in that boat right now and just knowing that Mother's Day is on the calendar, it can be a reminder of the good things if there are good things in our journey, but it can also be a reminder of the pain points and the grief, and my goal is to help us all to honor all those things, because we are our most authentic selves when we are actually able to hold all of the things the good, the bad, the sad, the painful, the joyful all in one whole, and that's when we're most integrated. So I think that the expectations of what Mother's Day should be get us into a lot of trouble, and my hope is really to provide a coaching framework for how we can think about the approaching quote unquote holiday. As I will say, it's kind of a Hallmark holiday. I think that part of what I want to share is how we can handle triggers as they come up, how we can prevent some triggers, how we can handle triggers in the moment, and also how we can also look if we've gotten triggered, how we can look back on that and think about how we want to move forward.
So my main question, as we think about this next time we have together, is how am I approaching this Mother's Day? So when this will air, it'll be three days before Mother's Day and, if you're like me, already just having that date on my calendar brings up some emotions. Perhaps it's dread, perhaps it's anticipation, perhaps it's regret, grief, sadness, fear. Maybe it's uncertainty, maybe you're in the fertility process and you're recently pregnant, but you're just sort of like is this going to continue? Is it going to be okay? I've gone through so much. I think that we're at all different points in the journey, and being a mother, being a child, being on this earth has so much to do with who we are as people, our identities, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, all of it. So just ask yourself that question how am I approaching this Mother's Day and what is the soup of emotions? If you will, that is kind of guiding my steps towards this weekend. So we ask ourselves how do I feel about this currently? Just take a moment, jot some things down, if you can. If you're driving, please don't do that, but it's just a good exercise to think about.
Whenever I start to think about my feelings, I usually think I might have like one or two or three, and sometimes I end up with like 10 or 15. Sometimes I even notice that if I have one feeling that I think is my main feeling, there are actually three softer feelings behind that. So maybe I feel anger, but maybe behind that is disappointment, sadness, grief, all those things which are just as real as the anger, but they're a little bit more vulnerable and so sometimes it takes me a little bit to identify those. So just write down the soup of emotions you feel. And in coaching, what I learned in my wonderful coaching school is that our feelings are actually not automatic reflexes. They are stemming from the thoughts and the beliefs the deep-seated beliefs we have about ourselves, stemming from the thoughts and the beliefs the deep-seated beliefs we have about ourselves.
So typically, when we have a feeling, especially a strong feeling, there's a thought that precedes that feeling. So you know, if I have complicated feelings about Mother's Day approaching, I might think okay, well, what are my thoughts? Perhaps it's I should be a mother by now. Or maybe you already have a kid but you're having a hard time at having a second or third kid and you think I should be able to grow my family. Or maybe it's a thought. Maybe it's just not going to happen for me and that can create a lot of fear and anxiety Other thoughts that are possible my life is meaningless, and this is just another reminder that I haven't yet become a mother and that was my number one goal in life. So all these things you can see from each of these thoughts and there are just so many more, right. But those are a few examples that when we think those thoughts, they lead to a feeling.
Those feelings lead to a set of actions. Maybe it's ruminating, maybe it's self-deprecation, maybe it's criticism, maybe it's blaming ourselves. Maybe it's catastrophizing. Maybe it's going into the pantry and eating more than we're hungry for. Maybe it's going on to our favorite shopping website and buying a bunch of clothes. Maybe it's working a little bit more staying at work that's one of my favorites staying at work and just working until the night, because it's easier to work than to feel the feelings. But just if you can take a moment and think about how you're feeling in your body and what thoughts are leading to those feelings, it can really provide some clarity, because then we can gently start to ask the question well, is that how I want to feel about it, and is that kind of how I want to be thinking about it? Sometimes our thoughts seem automatic, but sometimes they seem automatic just because we've had them so many times and they're the path of least resistance. So what the coaching lens would say is how do I want to feel about it? Maybe it's peaceful, maybe it's trusting, maybe it's assured, authentic, aligned, maybe even empowered I'm not sure Empowered is a little stretch for me for Mother's Day.
I'm a divorced person and I have some complicated feelings around mother's day. So you know it's I think I feel for me personally. You know my mother is doing well in this world and I'm very grateful for her, so I have a lot of gratitude on mother's day. I think about all the ancestors who went before her, and my father's mother and her mother and all of the mothers that have really you, I toiled and worked and loved and sacrificed so that I can enjoy this life that I have today. And maybe they didn't think that specifically, but I think about it as I think about my labors of love in my own life and even thinking about mothering more broadly. Like what nurturing energy do I give to the world? As a fertility specialist, I think about this all the time in terms of, you know, nurturing my patients, nurturing my clients, how am I bringing that feminine divine you know into the world through me, as I am a vessel? Like those are the things I think about.
But you know, is there any gratitude I can have on Mother's Day for the mothers and the mothering energy that is in my life right now and you know, and also, at the same time, honoring those pain points that can be a little bit more complicated. So, you know, say I want to feel peaceful about Mother's Day. What thoughts would make me feel this way? And I will tell you, it's not like avoiding or completely disavowing the things that are more complex, it's actually just the opposite. It's usually something like you know, I love this one, I'm doing my best. I love that thought because it is true, even though sometimes I don't admit it or something like I can be disappointed that this hasn't happened already and also decide that this day won't steal my joy Like something that honors that complexity but also sort of welcomes the nuance that there are some darker, maybe more tainted emotions that happen.
You know, if it's trusting, maybe we take a step back and look at the overall fertility journey and just say you know what? I know it hasn't happened yet, but I'm on a path and I really do trust that this is gonna happen when it is meant to. Or maybe, you know, I trust that I will become a parent one way or another. Maybe it's not my strong plan A, but I really do trust that I have all this love to give and that if I stay the course, if I trust my REI, you know there will be a way, even if it's not how I initially pictured it. Someone important to me in my life right now is on the list for adoption and she and her husband are patiently awaiting a child, and that's. I hope and pray that that will be their pathway to parenthood. Or maybe it's something even different than that, we don't know. But what I do know is that when we are open to the possibilities, that's when things happen, and that's when things happen beyond our, you know, greatest belief and even greatest, beyond our wildest dreams and expectations.
So, thinking about how we want to feel about this day, what we realize is that when we can tune in and notice how we're thinking about things, we can notice how we're feeling about things. We get to choose. Is that thought serving us? Is that feeling how I want to feel? Or do I need to even make like a 1% shift and, you know, change how I feel about this day and change how I feel about this day.
Now, one thing I've learned is to keep my expectations low for days like Mother's Day, father's Day, valentine's Day. That doesn't mean that we go all out for our important people. That certainly can be what we do on those days. But when it comes to what do I expect to receive, what do I expect to experience or feel, that gets me into trouble. I share that from many years of experience, and so I try to hope it's a good day. I mean it's a Sunday. There are ways that I enjoy my Sundays, independent of anything related to Mother's Day or mothering or any of that energy. But I also think that just saying I'm gonna make some parts of this good, I'm going to intentionally choose joy and I'm gonna honor my complicated feelings. I really think that's the best path forward. But try not to have lofty expectations. In my experience, that is kind of a recipe for feeling really crummy on Sunday evening. Other thoughts. So these are things I've also learned from a lot of experience.
Try to stay off social media. I think social media can be so darn triggering. Everyone's posting pictures of their children or whatever lofty thoughts they want to share on that day. Social media is the top 5%. My sister and I have this little game where we say what I would post on social media and what I'm actually thinking right now and we haven't done in a while. We should probably revisit it because it was just so very validating. But I think that when we think about those things like what is the top 5% that I would sort of share to the world, or even what could be filtered of my thoughts so that people will think of me a certain way, like that is what I might post to be very honest and transparent. But that's also what other people are posting and that's why there are data that when we spend time on social media, we leave more depressed and anxious than when we started, because it's that comparitis thing, like we're comparing ourselves to other people. We're reminded of what we think that we lack, and it's's just, it's a recipe for disaster. So if you do decide to go on social media, really contain it. You've heard me say this before, but personally I try to stay off social media that day because I just know it's gonna open up some wounds, and wounds that I really don't feel like opening up on that day or ever really. But that's my advice.
I would also say you know, do something to put a vote in the direction of your future self as a mother. So, whether it's a mantra, I love mantras like I'm on the path, I trust the process. Maybe it's a ritual, like maybe you plant some wildflower seeds because you're honoring the circle of life and the potential for new life. I've heard of some mothers if they've had a loss, they do something to honor the loss of their little one on that day too, and I think that can be really powerful. So sometimes taking an action with our bodies, with our minds, with our spirits, that honors what we hope for, that honors what we've lost, that honors what we've lost, I think that can go a really long way. So if that speaks to you, just think about that. Maybe do some journaling and think what might really resonate with you and what you need at this time and what would help you to kind of let go of that which controls your thoughts and controls your feelings, and honor all of it.
Another piece of advice or suggestion I have is that there are all sorts of mothers in the world. I remember maybe 15 years ago, when I was a OBGYN resident in New York City, there was this older physician I think she must have been in her 70s and I said to her Dr So-and-so, do you have any children? And she said in a thick accent I have many, many children. I have 5,000 children. And then when I learned her story, she and her husband, who was also a physician, never had any biological children of their own. I don't know sort of whether it was by choice or by circumstance, I'm not sure, but she literally said to me I have many, many children. I have at least 5,000 children and I delivered many babies with her. That was a very powerful experience, but she channeled that energy within her. I remember I would write notes, I'd be sitting there at the desk writing notes and she would physically put food into my mouth. So I think of maybe like a mother bird and a baby bird.
At that point I was just a little intern, but I think thinking about mothering energy, thinking about how we can have an aunt who is just incredibly nurturing. Even though they didn't give birth to us ourselves, they can be just so full of nurturing and loving. My godmother is that way. She is incredibly nurturing and she mothers so many people in her life and she's not had any biological children. She's raised children. She in many ways raised us with her wonderful lens on life and it just goes to show that that nurturing energy is not necessarily connected to biology, so to speak. I've had patients and clients who tell me about their pets, their dogs and their cats, and they are amazing pet moms and dads and I think that, thinking about you know, sometimes people say, well, maybe this isn't happening because I'm just not a good mom, or I'm not, you know, I wouldn't be a good mother, and maybe that's the universe just making this not happen for me.
I think the mind is a dangerous place and I think that sometimes we can tell ourselves thoughts that are limiting, beliefs that keep us small and keep us thinking that we don't deserve parenthood, and I will say that is just so far from the truth. Sometimes it's part of our self-protective mechanisms, but I do hear that a lot and nobody doesn't deserve to be a parent, right? It's really about biology and circumstance and sometimes the choices that we make and we don't make, and maybe even a little bit of luck. I don't know all the things that happen. All I know is that people who want to become parents will become parents and connecting with the ways in which we are nurturing, loving, bringing life into the world already.
I think that can also cast a vote in terms of our ability to be a wonderful parent and that can be really helpful. We are truly part of a larger feminine divine. When we can connect with that nurturing energy and embody it, it really can help. I always say we are goddesses and so often we forget that and maybe if the one thing you do this Mother's Day is like align with that energy and understand that you are it, we are it, we channel it, we share it. When we love each other, it is present. I think that's just so powerful. And so, like I said, taking a broader perspective on parenthood and what it is to be a mother and all of that loving energy, we already live it and so let's embrace it.
The last thing I will say in terms of other thoughts about Mother's Day is that, like I said before, it can just be so very triggering. A lot of what I do at Love Science is help people handle triggers, whether it's a friend who announces that they're pregnant insensitively, or a sibling, or maybe it's a family member with a baby that you just have to be around if you go to family functions and that in and of itself is a reminder that it hasn't happened yet for you. So you know, like I said, just having that date on the calendar is a trigger, at least for me, and everyone has their own story, but I think that it can really bring up a lot of grief and unmet expectations as well. So, for triggers, what I suggest is that we think about pre-triggers, during the trigger and post-trigger. So, in terms of prevention, we think an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
What are ways that we can prevent triggers on this day? Like I said, is it staying off of social media? I think that's a big one. Is it just deciding ahead of time that we are going to stay in our power, that we are going to trust the process, that we are going to navigate the day? Sometimes, on hard days, I just say you know what? This is, just another normal Sunday Time will keep passing and I'm going to emerge on Monday and it's going to be okay. I mean, maybe people would criticize me for that, but sometimes you just need to wake up in a new day, right, a different day. So whatever it is that's going to really prevent you from having triggers, I think is helpful. Part of it is understanding what your triggers are and why you have them.
One of my mentors. Kavitha Sun always says you know triggers, they show us where we need healing the most, because it's always our raw spots, it's always our wounds where we have the triggers that are activated. So just think about that. You know, if you think of something as particularly triggering in a calm moment maybe not during the trigger, but in a calm moment just ask yourself oh, isn't that interesting? Why do I feel that way? Is there something you know? Maybe in a calm moment I can spend some time with that and just give myself some self-compassion, give myself some love, maybe even gently challenge the limiting beliefs that are at the root, at the base of that trigger. And so prevention is helpful.
During the trigger, you know, really it's helpful when we feel ourselves escalating, when we feel our physiology changing, to really say like I'm getting triggered and I need to separate myself. Right now I'm going to take a break. Whether it's a bathroom break that we may or may not need, whether it's splashing cold water on our face, whether it's say I love this one I mean, I know it's May, but like I'm from Vermont, so say it's like Christmas time and we're all inside and it's super hot, I'm like, oh, I just need a breath of fresh, cold air. The air outside is actually lovely. Maybe you want to go outside and smell a lilac, do something to bring you back to where you are.
But I think during the trigger, what I do is the first thing is noticing that I'm getting triggered and then just saying like I'll be right back, like either I'm starting to feel overwhelmed or, you know, I just need a break. Whatever it is, I separate myself from the situation, feel my feet on the ground, do some deep breathing, do something to get back in my body and say like this too shall pass, and just realize like, wow, that was really powerful. I don't want to feel this way. So I'm going to get myself, get my frontal lobe back online, I'm going to calm myself, I'm going to soothe myself, like I said, ground myself with breath and when I feel like you know I'm in the one to five range versus the over six to 10 range in terms of my like trigger meter, that's when I can reenter the situation and just keep on breathing. And then, if it happens again, I'm like well, maybe this is too much for me, maybe I need to go home, and sometimes that's the best choice. You know, it's like we don't always have to expose ourselves to the hard things. Sometimes the gentlest thing is just to say, like, like, this is enough for today and I'm I'm gonna go home and do something kind for myself. So just during the trigger, try to notice it, you know, and do what you can to soothe yourself.
Now, after the trigger, I think this is a really interesting time because you know there's pre-trigger, during the trigger, post-trigger, but post-trigger could also be seen as pre the next trigger. That makes sense. So maybe it's the next trigger is going to be father's day, like I don't know what it is for you personally, but we have this opportunity after we get triggered, to look at the situation as objectively as we can. Try and let you know, leave the self-judgment at the door, as I like to say, and just look at it with curiosity, if you can, and say, wow, like that really bothered me. I wonder what about that bothered me and where do I need healing such that if that same stimulus happens again, I might be able to handle it a little bit differently. And so you know, maybe we need to say something to somebody we love to say you know, I'm going through a little bit of a hard time right now. I really need some sensitivity around this topic, or maybe it's. You know that we challenge our own beliefs about ourselves and our worthiness as humans if we're not mothers yet or if we're struggling to build our families. You know there's that piece of it as well.
But in that moment of calm, in that moment of being able to look back with some clarity, get curious about yourself, get curious about why that particular thing stung so much, activated a physiological response that fell out of control, and just think okay, what could I do another time to make that similar situation better? Because most situations tend to repeat themselves and if you're like me, you don't like staying stuck in a loop. You kind of like to grow and grow out of things. I don't like feeling like the same things control my physiology, control my mind, control my thoughts. I like to have some agency and ability to just feel good in my own body, especially when things are hard. Agency and ability to just feel good in my own body, especially when things are hard. So that's what I'd say is really take triggers seriously and do your best to prevent them, to deal with them in the moment and then afterwards to figure out what maybe could be different at a different time.
So, on this Thursday before Mother's Day, or whenever you're reading this, my parting message to you is really to give yourself grace, because we're all at different points in this journey. We all have different situations that have led us to this point. I do think, though, that there are many common threads within our stories, and a lot of it is just the deep disappointment, the deep regret, the grief, the fear, the shame, the anxiety that this day can bring up, and so giving ourselves grace is so very important giving yourself that mindful self-compassion, and also, ahead of time, figure out who you'll lean on if you need extra support, like I have my people. I know exactly who I'm gonna send a text message to if something goes on that you know is kind of out of how I hope it would be. I mean and even that's in the context of low expectations If I have something that really bothers me that day, you know you better believe I'm gonna send my good friend a text message and lean on her for support. So you know it's usually somebody who understands who's in a similar situation. If you don't think you know anybody else who's going through this, I promise you do. They just haven't been open about it yet. At Love and Science we have our group chat, so I fully expect that we'll be supporting each other there. There are ways to get support if you don't know anybody directly who's going through this.
But really I love the serenity prayer because I think it encompasses all the things right. We ask God or love for feminine divine, the universe, whatever it is that is outside of ourselves, that power that's beyond ourselves. We say grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and gosh within that short prayer. There's so much I could say about that. But on this Mother's Day there are things that are beyond our control, that we wish were different, but truly they are beyond our control at this moment in time. So let us accept those things, let us have courage to change the things we can.
Maybe it's that we have been avoiding making an appointment with a fertility specialist because we're afraid of what we might find out or we are afraid of what that path might be. I talk to people all the time who are like on the fence about booking an appointment with a fertility specialist. And hey, if that's your limiting step, do that. Maybe you're on the fence about booking a call with me and figuring out how you can get additional support with love and science and one-on-one coaching and group calls and all of that. If that's your limiting step, just do that today, do not hesitate.
As my mom would say, mother's Day, daughter of her, do not pass, go, do not collect $200. Just literally, just do it, because I think that a lot of these choices, we say, gosh, why didn't I do that sooner? And so there are some things we have control over. A lot of it is, you know, our thoughts. We actually have control of our feelings If we can really take a step back and separate ourselves and notice our thoughts and our feelings and how we actually want to feel, at the same time honoring what we do feel and welcoming me into the wholeness that is ourselves.
And then that last part, which is such the beauty of this prayer, is the wisdom to know the difference. So what is it that's in that what we can control bucket? What is it that's in that what we can't control bucket? And how do we really give ourselves grace for the things we can't control? How do we take our agency for the things we can control and really have that wisdom to know that difference? So with that, I wish you an authentic, peaceful, empowered, supported Mother's Day. I am with you always. I love you. Talk to you soon. Bye.
