“It's The Group That Does The Healing." 7 Insights from the Love and Science Community
Today's episode goes into how support groups are the essential element to bridging people to parenthood.
Ending isolation
Renewing strength
Celebrating the wins and sharing the burdens
Gaining practical advice
Creating a safe space for women physicians
Focusing the next steps
Creating massive results
We are truly stronger together.
Even if you are a massive introvert like me, the group is the only empowered way to endure your journey with ease, support, strength, and ultimately success.
As always, please keep in mind that this is my perspective and nothing in this podcast is medical advice.
If you found this conversation valuable, book a consult call with me using this link:
https://calendly.com/loveandsciencefertility/discovery-call
Also, be sure to check out our website: loveandsciencefertility.com
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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.
In Gratitude,
Dr. Erica Bove
Transcript:
Hello, my loves and welcome back to the love and science podcast. Today, I wanted to take a little bit of a different approach and talk about our support groups. I have been a fan of support groups since I was a freshman in college. Actually, when I discovered a support group, which actually kept me in college. Um, I think I've shared with many of you that I was a competitive runner and, um, basically realized that I had an eating disorder in college that was going to make me leave college unless I did something about it. And fortunately, there was a spiritually based support group, um, on the campus of Notre Dame. I was fortunate enough to go to stay in college and then to become a group leader.
And you know, at that time I also connected with one of my favorite professors, my second year of college. And he also led us a part group for divorce and widows. As an aside, he's 89. Now I was able to visit him a couple of weeks ago at my reunion. It was amazing. But even back then, I remember he told me, he said, Erica, it's the group that does the healing. And he led over a thousand support groups for divorced and widows, widowed people. He actually met his, uh, life, his wife of over 30 years, um, that way actually. And you know, I, I really do think there is so much about groups and healing that no matter how much one-on-one coaching we can do, things only get better because we reduce isolation and we heal together in community. So I wanted to share my top seven reasons why the groups are truly amazing. And also just sort of talk about some real life examples of, you know, maybe some hesitations or some, uh, ways that people think about groups that I wanted to maybe clear up some misconceptions.
So let's dive in. The first reason why the love and science support group is absolutely amazing is because people no longer feel isolated in their fertility journeys. The isolation truly ends. When I meet with people for console calls or people text me from the Facebook group, or I see my physician colleagues in the hallway of where I work and I obviously take care of them too sometimes, they tell me that the isolation is truly the worst part that nobody truly understands that their partner just doesn't get it. They don't see them and they truly feel alone in the process. And that's very, very painful, right? And, you know, countering that with pregnant people left and right in the grocery stores and the churches in your clinic, for God's sakes, you know, the baby announcements just never stopped coming. And so if we can have a safe space where you no longer feel alone, where you feel heard, will you feel supported? Will you feel, where you feel seen? No, that is just the most valuable thing I think I could offer to you because if one in four female physicians has infertility, but nobody's talking to each other, then, you know, it really just falls flat, right? People still suffer in silence. And I'm on a mission to end that.
So at Love and Science on Friday nights, people no longer feel isolated in their journeys.
I just, it's the most wonderful thing. You know, it's interesting because we also, it's not just about Friday nights either, like in between the calls, we have a WhatsApp group and sometimes people give updates on their journey. Sometimes people walk by a beautiful mural and want to share. Sometimes people share an inspiring podcast or a quote, or maybe something they saw in their fertility office. It's a very dynamic thing. And so I think that, you know, not even just on Fridays, but day to day, people know that there's somebody in their corner who is rooting for them and we walk each other across the bridge to parenthood.
That is the point. So just think about that. Just think about how awful it feels to be the only one in your community, you know, who's going through this that you know of, or maybe the only one of your friend group or your sisters or parents or whatever, they don't understand. Like this truly ends. And I'm super, super proud of that. Okay. The second reason why the support groups are just absolutely amazing is it helps our people up level their strength and their resilience. The interesting thing is that people come at various stages of their journeys. Some people have been at this for just a few weeks, right? Some people haven't even met their REI's, but they know they want to build a family.
Other people have been on this journey for years. And also, you know, just because someone's been on it for years does not mean that they have, you know, sort of the most insights of anybody, right? Like it's, it's so interesting to see how people come in with different experiences and different lessons and each person can serve as a walking vision board for other people. And so I always tell my people, keep an open mind, you know, come listen, you never have to share that is not a prerequisite. I want to stress that so much much. But I think that when, you know, people get laser coached and they can hear how somebody else set a boundary, how somebody else, you know, was able to navigate bad news, how somebody else was able to talk to their partner about things, how somebody else was able to enjoy a slice of life that is beyond the fertility journey, all those things matter. Right. And so I think, you know, if we can say, you know, we are not in this alone, we can be mirrors for each other. We can be vision boards for each other. Like I said, sometimes even the newest people can, can inspire some of the four veteran people because they might have some insight to share as well, or maybe some previous life experience that also leads some wisdom to this journey. And so I think that when we think about just how hard it is to go through this process, I think there are so many tools that we can cultivate in community and reinforce together. And that's just such a beautiful thing. The third reason why the support groups are absolutely amazing is because this journey is so complex. And as of right now, to my knowledge, there is not a resource that says what to expect when you're undergoing the fertility treatments, right? Nobody says like, we're just thrown an oil inductions are going to feel this way, or, you know, this is what it feels like to be on loop run.
Like there's so many unknowns and as female physicians, we hate that, right? We like to be in the driver's seat. We like to anticipate, we like to be proactive. We like to know all the things ahead of time. And when we enter into this process where there's so much ambiguity it is really, really hard to be in that situation. So, you know, a lot of our clients will lean on other clients who have already done something similar like surgery or loop run or PIO injections, or even like, what's it like to do an embryo transfer? People who have done it before can speak to that. And so I think that being in community helps us prepare and normalize the experience, right? And also give some tips and tricks that other people may not know.
And trust me, the nurses are great. They have a lot of things, but I think, you know, sometimes like, oh, if you wipe the progesterone and oil off before it prevents the hives, or oh, if you use this size needle instead, it really helps. Like there's so much of this collective wisdom that I think is lost and just not tapped into when we're all trying to do it alone.
The fourth reason why the support groups are absolutely amazing is because we can celebrate the wins together and we can ease the burdens together as well. And so if you are at all familiar with my support groups, we always, always, always start with the win of the week.
Now not every person is required to give a win of the week and it's not a requirement, but unless we attune our attention to what is working, what is actually working, we forget about it, right? We focus on the negative. We focus on the delay. We focus on the bad news. We focus on the things that aren't happening the way we want them to happen. And so even if it's something outside of the fertility journey, it's like, I published a paper last week that I've been working on for years, or I was able to teach one of my residents or fellows something new that they never knew before, or I had a really nice date with my husband, like whatever it is, I think that we really do cherish these wins and community.
And it really means that infertility does not have the last word. We can reclaim joy.
We can reclaim purpose. We can have beautiful aspects of our lives while the fertility journey is ongoing. And I think to focus our brains on those things and to share them together, it just magnifies it even more than tenfold. It is so beautiful. And sometimes there's good news. I mean, maybe somebody got good embryos or maybe somebody had a lot of eggs from their retrieval, or maybe somebody finally had a thick lining when they've been waiting for that news for weeks or months, right? It's not always the bad news that we need to talk about. And if we can sprinkle in the good, if we can attune our brains to that, it really, really helps. And also when there's disappointing outcomes, we can share those in community as well. Even recently, I had one client who unfortunately got bad news and even like, I want to say behind my back, it wasn't really behind my back, but I didn't know about it, right? It wasn't like my prompting. Other members of the group sent this person cookies. And I was like, this is just the most beautiful thing that the suffering is lessened when you know you're not alone and that people care about you in very tangible ways. So we celebrate the wins together, we ease the burdens together. And then we sort of say, okay, well, what was it like when you had that negative pregnancy test? How did you get through it? How did you get the strength to keep going? And it's like the gift that keeps on giving. The fifth reason that our support groups are just absolutely amazing and truly the best is because it is one of very few safe spaces for physician women.
I mean, I'm preaching to the choir, we are under such scrutiny right now with administrations and RVUs and gender biases that still exist. And also the stigma of people even know we're undergoing this process, like how dare she be building her family and all those different things. And not everybody is subject to those things, but I think we know that we're swimming in water that is overall not good for us, especially as we try to undergo this process.
And so when we can come together in collaboration, in support, where there's no competition, where we can celebrate each other, where we can talk about how hard it is to be a doctor and nobody judges us. I mean, that is a really empowering space. And so just knowing that we support each other, we honor each other, we do not judge each other and that really this community holds all the things in confidence that that is just a beautiful, beautiful thing.
And I really think essential, right, if we're going to navigate this journey, we need safe spaces. The sixth reason why Love and Science groups are just absolutely amazing is because they help us to focus our next right steps. Now, this is not a medical space, right? So this is not a HIPAA space. We understand that when we come together in community, that we are able to lean on each other, share whatever we feel comfortable with, and really focus on our next right steps. And so, you know, what happens in these support groups, right, is we start with the win of the week, always, not everybody has to speak, but we've always focused our collective attention there. And then we go into what's hard. I usually tune into my intuition to figure out like what the theme of the week is.
You know, I have, sometimes I have F-It Fridays because there's so much bad news that clusters. The point is always to take back our agency. So we don't just leave it at that. We figure out how to empower ourselves and each other. But I think that sometimes we all just can feel so lost in this process. We don't know what the next right step is. We don't know of all the available options, what the next right thing is for us, right? Do we do another IVF cycle with our own eggs? Do we maybe transfer a less than optimal quality embryo because it's in the freezer? Do we think about donor eggs? Like do we need a gestational carrier? All these questions swirl around. And so what we do in the support groups is we talk about what's hard. We talk about where we're stuck and we commit to what I call the next right thing. That means that next right action that is going to give us even a 1% shift that turns us in the direction we're trying to go. So maybe it's, you know, remember like a couple weeks ago, somebody had embryos frozen that maybe weren't ideal. So somebody's next right thing was to make an appointment with the genetic counselor to talk about those embryos to help sort it out, right? Somebody else was post-op. And so her next right thing was to have the dinner that her husband had made for her. Somebody else's next right thing was to go on vacation with her husband, you know, and really enjoy a week together alone.
And so I think that, you know, if we think about just that feeling of feeling lost, feeling disoriented, feeling just like we don't know what the next right thing to do is we have analysis paralysis. What we do at Love and Science is we help to focus that energy to say, okay, based on your values, based on your identity, based on where you in particular want to go, what is your next right thing? And then of course, then it builds, right?
So then what's the next right thing after that, once you take that first step? And sometimes it only gets clear once you start heading in a direction. But if you can use your values as your compass, right, and use where you want to go in that way and have accountability in a group space, again, not mandatory, but it helps. Like people will follow up and be like, Hey, how did it go? How did that conversation with your boss go? Or how did your conversation with your RAI do go? How did your second opinion go? Like people follow up on these things.
And I think it's really, really great to be able to take an action based stand on what the next thing to do is, and then head in that direction. I think people feel a lot less lost when they can take action and know at least what their next right thing is going to be and to do it. The seventh reason, which is my favorite, why the Love and Science groups are the absolute best is because we are stronger together. And I think that is the whole point.
You know, when I started Love and Science, I was really obsessed with one on one coaching, right? I had benefited from this in my own life. I had seen transformations. I do a lot of one on one counseling in my clinical practice, right? In my doctor role. And I thought, Oh, and why don't we have a support group? That sounds like a good idea as well. Like, you know, I love support groups. It'll be a safe space for people. But it was almost like an afterthought. But then when I saw that the attendance of these groups was like 100%, you know, people were canceling things in their schedule to make sure that they had this safe space for this time. And then I started to feel the collective energy. You know, there's evidence that we can co-regulate on Zoom, which I think is so fascinating. I could literally through the computer screen, I could feel the collective energy of the group and how connected people were and how inspired people were and how changed even in an hour, you know, people, people's whole energy and perspective. It was renewed, right? It was refreshed. And so then I started realizing like, I think I think this group is taking on a life of its own. Like, I think maybe this is the point, right? And again, not to knock one on one coaching, because there's certainly some things that can happen in that safe space as well. But I think that, you know, the power of the groups, my professor from Notre Dame is right. Like the healing, right? It's like, it's the group that does the healing.
And I consider myself a healer. I consider myself a facilitator, a guide, but I've never seen healing like I've seen in these support groups. It is just absolutely blows my mind. It gives me chills. It makes me, it reaffirms why I do this work because the transformations are just so profound. And so, you know, we are stronger together alone. We are isolated. We're afraid. We're weak. We're tired.
We're overwhelmed. All the things we're hopeless even, right? A lot of people come to me, they're like, I don't even know if my REI believes in me anymore. We need safe spaces where we believe in each other. I believe in each person who is at love and science. Every single person knows I whole heartedly believe in them and their journey. And each person on this journey deserves to become a parent. I firmly believe that. And that is my goal, that every single person who comes to love and science is going to cross the bridge to parenthood. Even last week we had babies born from love and science. I mean, it works. And so we are stronger together. Keep that in mind because that is the point. Nothing else to say. Although there maybe is more to say because sometimes there can be some questions about the groups. And, you know, I think we all are so busy. We all have so many responsibilities. We all also have so many financial commitments and bills and no fertility treatments cost money and all the things. And so when people hear about my groups, they're like, oh, that's great. But I'm not sure that's for me. And so I just wanted to sort of point out some of the reasons people tell me that they're a little hesitant to think about the groups and just think a little bit more about the experience of the people who are actually in the groups. So I think there's like three main reasons, right? So the first reason is that people don't necessarily want to spend money on the groups, right? Because there are so many other responsibilities and I totally understand that so many people's insurance does not cover fertility treatments.
I totally understand that, you know, it's like, I also want to have a vacation every now and again, and I want to, you know, just live a little bit, right? Have some breathing room. And I, you know, I think about my own journey with coaching and I have, you know, sort of talked about this before in some circles. When I engaged in coaching for the first time, it was during COVID and my paycheck was actually being withheld because I wasn't being furloughed, but for some reason, the cashflow in the business, they asked us to not receive a paycheck for the sake of the cashflow for the employees.
And so I truly was not receiving a paycheck. And at that point, it was right after the divorce.
I barely had any money. And I really do believe that there's a will, there's a way. And, you know, I was able to tap into some financial resources outside of the box that I previously hadn't really thought of. And, you know, at that point I looked at my bank account and I was like, how is this ever going to work? But I did find a way because I knew that coaching is what I needed relationship coaching to really like bridge myself to the next point to, to evolve into the person I was meant to become and to really, and to stop repeating the same darn patterns over and over again, because I truly felt stuck. Like coaching is the antidote to feeling stuck. And so, you know, from that perspective, I think, well, what is, what is the value and what are the things that we spend money on and how can we think about tapping into creative financial resources?
And also what is the cost of not doing this? Right. And so what I will say is the people who join love and science, they get pregnant quickly. It is wild. People come to me with years and years and years of infertility and miscarriages. And for some reason, the mind-body connection, the community, the healing, the having somebody in your corner, you know, every now and again, I make a suggestion here or there with, with, you know, sort of decisions about care and all that stuff. And I think it really matters. And so, you know, I think about it, like what is the cost of needing one or two more IVF cycles, you know, to get to an outcome that might've been prevented by having a coach, having a community, being able to have mind-body alignment sooner, stress reduction sooner, and, you know, get pregnant, maintain a pregnancy, all those things.
Like I truly do believe that my coaching reduces the time spent in treatment, which is just, there is a beautiful cost to that, right? There's a financial cost. There's also an emotional cost, right? So exhausting to go through these treatments over and over. And some people actually drop out, you know, even, even this week I talked with a patient, it was just like, I just cannot do this anymore. And so I said, okay, don't make any decisions today. Like let's reevaluate in a little bit. But I do think that, you know, the data shows that, that the emotional toll is so hard that people actually drop out of treatment. So, you know, from a purely financial point, what is the value of this? How does it actually get you to your outcome sooner? And what money does it save you in the process that you would have spent on unnecessary, more fertility treatments, because the root cause has not been really addressed or maybe, you know, talking with a coach who understands being in community will help to align the vectors, help to create the receptivity will help to really bridge that gap sooner. So that was, that's what I say, would say to the financial objection or hesitation is that it's really how we think about it. And at the end of the day, if this gets you to your goal, it's the best money you will have ever spent. The second objection or reason that people are a little skittish about the groups is time. And that is my take seriously, because we are all so busy. The support groups last about an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. Currently they are every other Friday night, which I know sometimes is a little tricky.
I do it that way because I am protected from first call. I still work clinically and it allows me to be fully present in the support groups without being interrupted for a page. So that's, that's a very practical reason why it's on Friday nights. And I've also enjoyed support groups myself on Friday nights. But I'm also looking into other options. And so I am going to have a little bit more flexibility in the near future in terms of being able to have uninterrupted time. And, you know, I think that having more time slots for support groups, listening to my people, listening to when is a good time for you, and also thinking, okay, well, when can I invest an hour every other week? Like that to me is sacred time. And so I think it's a balance of like, okay, well, our time is where our priorities are. We think we don't have time for something until we get a flood in our basement. And then all of a sudden we spend all day working on it. Right. I think sometimes we don't think of the proactive things as, as urgent or necessary, but I would say in many ways, this is the most urgent, necessary thing. And the people who go to the support groups, I mean, it's nearly a hundred percent attendance every single time because they are so high value and because people get so much out of them. So again, thinking about shifting the model, opening up some other options for times, but it truly is only about an hour and 15 minutes every other week.
And I think about social media time. I think about other things. Just think about if that's something that you could commit to. And, you know, the course that comes with the coaching is actually self paced. And so people do that on their own time. So I just wanted to mention that as well. Most people can figure out the time. These, I will say, I do not record the sessions for the sake of confidentiality, but I think that because nearly a hundred people, a hundred percent of people do come, it's such a safe space. It's really, really a wonderful experience that people figure out how to work into their lives. The third thing, which is near and dear to my heart, is this whole thing about being an introvert. Right. So people are always surprised to hear that I'm actually a massive introvert. I am. I work myself up when I know that I'm going to go to a big function, even, even sometimes family parties, even though I love my family, they know me, they love me. Even sometimes when I know I'm going to be around a lot of people, like I have to like mentally prepare and psych myself up for big events, conferences, forget it. It takes me like days to get up enough energy to be like, I can do this socially. And it's not like a fear of being around people. It's just that I get my energy from being alone a lot of the time. And so I know that being around people, it's just, it's just by definition, I'm an introvert, right? And I think a lot of us physicians who are very thoughtful and empathetic, a lot of us do resonate with that massive introvert experience. And so what I would say is the groups are very calm. They're very loving. They're very supportive. Nobody ever has to talk. So nobody is called out, right? This is a, a time for people to be present. Most people do come on camera because we like to see each other's beautiful faces, but not everybody, not always, of course, if someone's driving, they don't do that.
But you do not have to be a massive extrovert to get value from the groups. Like I said before, you can listen to the coaching that happens. Sometimes we do laser coaching and learn so much from hearing somebody else be coached and hear their process in getting unstuck, right?
You can ask a question in the WhatsApp group that maybe is not quite as like in real time, present with somebody talking and answering your questions and getting feedback from the group.
Like sometimes the WhatsApp group is a nice way to, for people to dip their toe in and get suggestions from people without it being kind of live in real time with people, seeing the face and the camera and all the things. But I think that when people realize the power in community, it helps to overcome any fear or aversion of being around people just because you receive so much, right? You receive so much support, so much love, so much nonjudgment. I also am in other coaching groups myself where, you know, it's interesting. Like sometimes I don't think of myself as a vision board, but then people after they hear me ask a question or share a win or something like that, they're like, "Oh, you're so inspiring. Like you give me permission to do XYZ or I'm doing this in my own practice because of what you're doing." Like I don't, I think we underestimate how we can also be inspiring for other people. And so that is something that I am leaning into as an introvert.
And I would just invite you to consider like, just because I'm an introvert, does that mean that the groups are not for me? What could I learn? What could I glean? What could I receive from being part of something like this? And I think it's just, it's like a hundred X, right?
Like a hundred X, whatever the investment is to feel loved and held and supported and free and walked across the bridge to parenthood at the same time. So introverts unite. We are a wonderful group. And yes, we do have some extroverts as well, but I think the introverts really do find a home at Love and Science. So with that, I will say I am obsessed with these groups. I have been honored and humbled and inspired by the transformations that have happened in the last year and a half that we've been doing these groups. It's just to see people sign in from wherever they are in the world. Maybe they leave a dinner party and people do not even have to come on time. That's another misconception is just because they start at 7 PM Eastern does not mean that you'll, if you're, you know, seeing a patient or have another commitment or something like, you know, people sometimes roll in when they can, and that's okay too. I always say, we'd love to see you for you know, 20 minutes, rather than no minutes. And so it's a very inviting, wonderful group.
It is empowering and normalizes the experience. It is inspiring. It helps people find their strength and it also helps people focus on what their next steps might be. So, um, it is my expression of love. It is my gift to you. And I invite you wholeheartedly to think about if the Love and Science Support Group is something that you could benefit from. I truly think every person on this journey could benefit from such a safe, beautiful space. Um, but if you have questions about it, please do DM me, please do write, because I do not want to keep this a secret any longer. I want everybody to know, and I want to extend the invitations that we can continue to support each other and to bridge as many people as possible in the most pitiful way across the bridge to parenthood. I love you until the next time. Bye.
