Light in the Darkness: Finding Hope on the Fertility Journey

The winter solstice reminds us that even in the darkest season, the light begins to return.

In this episode of the Love and Science Podcast, Dr. Erica reflects on the symbolism of light overcoming darkness and how this truth can offer comfort and perspective during the fertility journey. Drawing from personal experience, seasonal rhythms, and wisdom traditions, she explores how hope and possibility can exist even when the path feels uncertain.

This conversation is an invitation to soften into the season rather than fight it. Erica shares gentle reflections on protecting your energy, nurturing kindness toward yourself and others, and allowing moments of service, rest, and self-care to support you through difficult times.

She also guides listeners through a short meditation to help process emotions, release what no longer serves you, and reconnect with a sense of inner peace and personal agency.

This episode is not about forcing optimism or bypassing pain. It is about honoring where you are, creating space for hope, and remembering that light can emerge in ways we may not yet see.

Wherever you find yourself this season, may this be a gentle reminder that you are allowed to move at your own pace and that possibility still exists.

As always, please keep in mind that this is my perspective and nothing in this podcast is medical advice.

If you found this conversation valuable, book a consult call with me using this link:

https://calendly.com/loveandsciencefertility/discovery-call

Also, be sure to check out our website: loveandsciencefertility.com

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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.

In Gratitude,

Dr. Erica Bove

Transcript:

I'm Dr. Erica Bove, and welcome to the Love and Science podcast.

I'm your host and also the founder of Love and Science, Thriving Through Infertility.

I'm so excited you're here today.

With over a decade of experience helping thousands of women just like you, I empower professional women to build their families with confidence and compassion.

Let's dive in.

Hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Love and Science podcast.

Today's episode is going to be a little different than our typical episodes, because as of the day of this recording, it is actually the winter solstice today.

And I've been thinking a lot about the complexity of the holidays and the heaviness and what I can offer to my people to inspire love, to inspire hope, to inspire a trust that we are moving in a forward direction in our journeys wherever we are at in that process. And so, Christmas is next week. We are celebrating Hanukkah. We just celebrated Diwali. I think it's really profound that every major wisdom tradition talks about light and darkness, right? And like from a very archetypal view, what do these images and concepts represent? It's pretty universal that light represents knowledge, wisdom, truth, divinity, goodness, consciousness, liberation, hope, and the soul. And it's also pretty universal that darkness represents ignorance, evil, illusion, unconsciousness, the unknown, the material world.

I also think that there is a lot of really heavy things going on in the world right now with political unrest and terrorism. And I mean, I could go on, I think you know all the things I'm talking about. And that's its own burden as we go about our days, as we try to do our jobs, take care of patients, maybe take care of family members, whatever it is, that maybe there's this weight that perhaps we're not safe in the world, that perhaps is too much to bear.

And I truly think that if we can embody this notion of the solstice, right, where this is the day when it is the darkest day there is, moving forward every day will have a little bit more light. And that to me, you know, I, my whole family is very affected by the seasons. My grandmother, I remember her measuring the days as it got to this point and the hope that would come with the brighter days. And my father, you know, he's very sensitive to the light, right? We celebrated today because we both know what it means when the days are going to get longer. But I think, you know, on a very spiritual level, if we could apply this to the fertility journey, it's really, really profound.

I think it's hard when all we've gotten is bad news or that's all it seems that we've gotten in the past, because we, it's pattern recognition, right? We expect that bad things are going to keep happening or bad news is going to keep happening and that there's no room for any possibility.

And what I say to my clients and my patients is that we don't need to have full belief, right?

We just need to crack the door open to possibility. It is possible that another transfer will bring another opportunity. It is possible that the same patterns are not going to repeat itself and with some high-level scientific thinking and perhaps some emotional support and some work on of the mind-body system that there will be good news, there will be a positive outcome.

And, you know, at least we can have that crack in the door that we don't rule that out entirely to think that there's a possibility that something good could happen. You all know me, but I know you know I do not believe in platitudes, you know I do not believe in false hope, you know I do not believe in forced gratitude. Like every single thing I'm saying is coming from a deep love and a deep wisdom and a deep spiritual trust that every single person who's listening to this podcast right now is on their journey that there is a soul that's meant to be theirs, that we just don't know the exact timeline or the exact route, but every single person deserves to be a parent and there is a pathway to parenthood for every single person. And as we think about what it means with the days getting a little bit lighter, perhaps the darkest, longest days are over. Perhaps that each day will have a little bit of love, a little bit of light to where we can see that we're not alone, that we're not in this alone, that we are supported, that we're strong, that we're aligned, that we're resourceful, that we make good decisions, that there is a higher power that is beyond us and that we can be co-creators in that And so one thing that I've learned is if there's something that I crave or something that I want in my life, if I embody that, then that will come to me.

It's one of these really interesting laws of the universe. So say, you know, there's a lot of talk about lack of friendship for women, especially us female physicians who lived our lives in these three to four year periods of time and then we moved and those people moved and, you know, we might sort of keep it up.

been touched peripherally, but we've really longed for that deep friendship. So if I can embody being that friend by showing up for my neighbor, or maybe it's somebody I know through my yoga group or something like that, if I can maybe offer a kind of word or a compliment that's genuine or even a smile to a stranger, if I can embody that presence, that will then come to me, right? And so as we think about this concept of Christmas this week and, you know, for Christians who believe that Christ is a light in the darkness, right? We just, our Jewish friends and maybe some of you just celebrated Hanukkah and the lighting of the candles and the light in the darkness and that miracle, right? That the light lasted so much longer than anybody thought. I think we really need to make these these stories and rituals, I think we need to embody them and let them affect our DNA and ourselves. It's almost like epigenetics, right? We have these traditions for a reason. And when we can really embrace that, if we crave the light, if we create the hope, if we create that space for possibility, if we can embody that, then it will come to us, Right? So here are some ideas I have about how we can truly be the light. If we want the light, the hope, the successful outcomes, all those things, the child, if we want that in our lives, these are some ideas I have about being the light. Perhaps we can offer help to somebody in need.

Maybe it's holding a door, maybe it's a trainee that we have who's struggling a little bit. Maybe we can offer help to a family member who needs help with their health struggles in their life right now.

In my darkest times, when I can offer to be of service to somebody, somehow it just lightens my own burdens, whatever they are. It takes the focus off myself and my own problems and it feels good to help another person in need. So that is one way we can be the light.

Another way is to offer a kind word or a genuine smile, whether it's a patient who has a blazer on or whether it's, I was walking in the hospital yesterday and I saw a young child who had a gingerbread house that was all painted and I just stopped for five seconds and said, "That is a beautiful gingerbread house." And, you know, that unexpected social interaction just filled me with so much joy, right? Her father was there, her grandmother was there, and just stopping and noticing and sharing a kind word, not only does it point to something that is and real, but it also it engages us in human connection in a way that otherwise we're just so isolated and alone and that alone is just incredibly painful.

What about being kind to ourselves?

Now for so many of us this does not come naturally, but we can truly embody light.

We can be the light for ourselves.

Maybe it's we shine a light on our thoughts, our limiting beliefs that are not serving us in the fertility journey. Maybe we shine a light on the way that our jobs are not in alignment with the outcome that we are hoping to get. You know, maybe our schedule is jam-packed and there's no room for anything in our lives. And we know that if we're to welcome a little one, we need to create that space even for the fertility appointments so that we can receive that little one when the the time is right. Maybe kindness means that we take the focus off productivity for even half a day a week and just truly listen to ourselves and our wisdom. Maybe it means that we go out of our way to seek out beauty. Like for me, I love flowers and nature. And so I know that if I'm not engaging with nature regularly, that something within me literally dies, right? So for me, self kindness in that way is honoring my need to be in outdoor spaces and creating as much room for that as possible, even if it's a 15 minute walk at lunchtime, through the garden near the hospital or whatever it is, like that to me is me being kind to myself being like for myself.

Maybe we're in a relationship that doesn't serve us and we get the courage to to leave that relationship or maybe start therapy, I know what that's like personally, and that can be the most kind thing we can do is to be honest about our relationships. I think also another way that we can embody the light, be the light is, is really guarding that light, right?

We all have a we all have a flame within us, I believe that I believe that's the soul. And that light, that radiance, it grows when we have oxygen, and it diminishes when we have toxic influences and lack of oxygen. And so how can we literally fan a flame on that flame, fan that flame, right, so that it grows. And if there are relationships that aren't serving us, if there's holiday gatherings where we know our energy is just going to be sucked dry, if there's committees that we're on that are just putting us over the edge, because we're trying to balance patient care and being a fertility patient and everything else, maybe it's time to let that go. So I think, you know, being really, really selective about our energy and guarding our hearts, that is an example of us being the light for ourselves and preserving that light, that joy, that space, that sacredness, right, our soul, right, preserving our soul, because the world will take, take, take. And if we choose to give to the world, that is one thing, right, that can be a very holistic hell yes.

But if we're mediocre or if we are, you know, engaging in something that is not serving us, we really need to find the courage to notice that and act on that because fertility is an energy expensive process.

And we need our energy, we need our vectors pointed in the right direction.

So I love helping people create those boundaries because being really protective of our energy is like one of the most important things we can do.

Another way as simple as it sounds is prioritizing love.

So one of my mentors, Jesse Mahoney, asked the question, what would love do?

Right?

And so if we can ask, what would love do, whether it's regarding the fertility journey or whether it's about our relationship or maybe a strained relationship or maybe it's a decision we need to make, all those different points that are so hard sometimes we can get into analysis paralysis.

But if we can prioritize love, self-love, love for others, love for the little soul who's meant to be ours. When we ask ourselves that question in that way, I think we can get some clarity that we might not otherwise get if we ask the question in a different way. Another concept that I think is really important as we think about being the light is that we need to allow the darkness to transform us. When I was in high school, I went to Catholic school and there was a religion teacher of mine who I still keep in touch with. Mr. Zoncanaro name is this name. And he shared with me this poem by St. John of the Cross, who is a mystic, "The Dark Knight of the Soul." And that poem, that prayer is so powerful because we all have Dark Knights of the Soul. We have Dark Knights, we have Dark Seasons, we have really long hard days, right? Maybe it's a negative pregnancy test and we fully expected that this time it was going to work and we feel the rug pulled out from under us. Maybe it's a friend who, whether she was on a fertility journey in her own way or wasn't maybe a friend announces a pregnancy and says some insensitive things and it's really, really a painful place to be, right? So those are the times that we are in that dark night of the soul. And sometimes miraculously, we get support that we didn't expect. We get, we receive love, we receive grace. That's what the poem talks about. It's "Ah, the sheer grace." And I think about all the different ways in our lives that we can receive grace, but we need to open those channels. And so when we can really allow the darkness to transform us, or even reflect on how the darkness has already transformed us is transforming us. I think, and this is not a way to say, Oh, but there's a silver lining or Oh, look at the bright side. It's not that. It's, oh my goodness, look who I am today, who I never in a million years would be if without this, you know, unwanted thing in my life. How am I bolder? How am I stronger? How can I advocate for myself now? What relationships have I forged that I never would have anticipated? What support groups am I a part of? How is this this process influencing other aspects of my life? Maybe I'm more balanced Now, maybe I ask for what I need.

Maybe I advocate for my health care in a way that I didn't before.

So it's not about finding a silver lining.

It's truly authentically asking that question.

How is this darkness?

How did this darkness transform me in a way that I'd never want to go through it in a million years?

I'd never wish this upon my worst enemy.

But how am I now different?

What have I learned?

How can I show up differently because of this experience?

We talk about post-traumatic growth, it's exactly that.

It's like, I've never choose this, but I've really grown and it's painful and I'm also learning to be the most authentic version of myself in this process.

I think that one thing about this process is we get the idea, the thought it should be different than it is, right?

Like these holidays are so hard because they are markers of time.

It's like we think about, you know, I thought this was the year when it was gonna happen or maybe we were pregnant this time last year and had a miscarriage.

Like there's so many ways that the holidays mark time in a way that's incredibly painful.

And so I think art of being the light for ourselves and maybe our spouses, maybe this whole process I can be right where I am today with grace, with tenderness, with self-kindness, because I am doing my best.

I'm choosing my A team. I have agency in this process, even if it feels like everything's out of control.

I am the wise leader of my inner world as one of my mentors says, and no feeling is going to kill me.

I am resourceful, I am strong, I am gonna figure this out.

And so that grace, that tenderness, that self-compassion, not forced gratitude, not platitudes, nothing like that, but just really saying, every day doesn't have to be a good day, but I'm gonna be kind to myself, I'm gonna be the light to myself, right?

I'm gonna be generous, I'm gonna be exactly who I am, and I'm also gonna look for the joy, right?

This process doesn't mean that it has to be devoid of joy.

So I'm going to intentionally look at my joy list every day and choose one thing.

It doesn't mean I need to have all the fuels that day, but I'm gonna continue to work to create the conditions for meaning alignment and delight as Chrissy Ott says, because that is our birthright and that is what we deserve.

So again, that might mean creating boundaries.

It might mean seeking out opportunities in nature.

It might mean calling a friend who really gets it.

It might mean getting a coach, you know, like me who can support you through the process, whatever it is, but being right where we are today, accepting that even if we wish things were different, they are the way that they are today and not allowing any more suffering to creep in because of that gap between expectations and reality.

So, I think that one thing that I know is true, and I think this is the reason why so many wisdom traditions really highlight this concept is we can really only know the light when we also know the darkness. So I think of myself, you know, when I was a resident and a fellow and I tell this story how I didn't cry for six years. I did that for self protection, right? I was a warrior, I like literally imagine my warriors armor as I went into every day. I thought of the labor and delivery unit as like the lion's den truly because of the interactions I saw and the true guttings of people with each other.

I mean, it was really traumatic, not just the patient care, but like how people treated each other.

And as a sensitive person, that was really, really hard for me to see.

But I think that if we can understand that we only know the light because of the darkness and that contrast is essential in our human condition, right?

There is a quote, "Hate cannot drive out hate.

Like only love can do that.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.

And so as we think about these challenging times, as we think about our own fertility journeys, if we can be the light, if we can create the conditions for the light to come in, even if it's just cracking open a door, slightly raising the shade on our windows that otherwise built throughout all the light, like whatever it is that we can be channels for light, we can be channels for divinity, we can be channels for our physiology to start working in our favor, and we can be channels for loving ourselves really at the highest level.

And so one thing I wanted to do was take a moment and do a meditation that I often do with my clients to help them feel their feelings.

Because as we have 2025 coming to a close, our feelings, they live in our bodies, right?

And it takes about 30 to 90 seconds to process a feeling.

But if we don't process it, digest it, metabolize it, then it literally could eat us alive, right?

Or it comes out sideways.

Or we then develop a layer of anger because anger is like the first emotion to come forward and then the more vulnerable emotions behind.

So what I want you to do in this moment, as we think about, in order to be the light, we need to process and release any feelings which don't serve us.

So I wanna make sure that you're in a nice, quiet, calm space.

If you are driving, do not do this exercise, please either pull over or wait till later.

But what we're going to do is we're going to feel our feet on the ground.

We're going to feel our bodies in our seats.

I like to do this exercise up right, but you don't have to be.

You can be lying on a couch or somewhere comfortable.

And if your palms are facing down, that is the more grounding stance to be in.

If you really want to receive, I encourage you to place your palms like face up the ceiling.

It's like a more receiving posture.

So today I'm going to be more grounded.

That's the energy that's calling me on this winter solstice.

But what we're going to do is we're going to take three deep breaths together and just get into our bodies, right?

We're so cerebral.

It's what we're paid to do, but that does not really serve us, right?

We need to access the wisdom of our bodies so that we can receive that light so we can be the light. So what I'm going to ask you to do is to take three deep breaths with me. And we're going to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. And when we breathe in through our noses, we're going to be breathing in the love and the light. And we're going to be breathing out the darkness and anything which does not serve us. Okay, so three deep breaths together. And we all, if you're a physician listening to this, we all took anatomy and physiology, we know how how the lungs have their bases and their apices.

We're gonna imagine our lungs expanding and filling every single corner of our lungs.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's go in through the nose, love and light.

Out through the mouth.

Yes.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

Anything which doesn't serve.

So as our breaths come to some more normal natural rhythm.

Now is the time now that we're in our bodies, we do a body scan. So the way we do this is we start with our heads and we just notice if there's any areas of tightness, of dis-ease, of tension, anywhere that just doesn't feel quite right in our bodies.

So for some reason I hold tension in my face and so I'm scanning my face to see how that feels today. I'm also moving down, you know, focusing on the area behind my eyes. I'm moving down to my jaw.

I'm seeing if my tongue is on the roof of my mouth or if it's loose and free. I'm moving down my neck and you can do the same, right? So follow my, follow my guide. Move down your neck and see if those neck muscles are harboring any tightness or tension. Most of us have some tension there on a day-to-day basis. And then notice if your shoulders, your arms, your forearms, your fingers have any area of tightness or structure or disease. And then back up to the throat again.

Just notice if that throat chakra is tight. Sometimes if we have something to say, we haven't said it, that area can be tight, maybe we have a sore throat because it's that time of year, that's the case, we just send that area so much love and tenderness.

And then we move down to the torso and the chest and just notice the next chakra is the heart chakra and so we think about if there's any any tightness around the heart, any heaviness, any grief, anything in that retrocardiac space.

I'm a solar plexus, which is right where the rib cage converges and where our abdominal organs start. Sometimes we can feel dis-ease if we're anxious about something or we have some stuck emotion that we haven't processed yet. So just notice that area feels, you know, unwell or not quite right.

And then we move down the body into our hips and gynecological structures, our legs, our knees, our shins, our feet. And we just notice as we scan our bodies, we can take some light intuitive movements, maybe walking back and forth to just notice where are things feeling stuck? Where are they feeling not well? Where are they feeling tight and tense?

And when you have that area, basically we have feelings that are lodged in our body because they're trying to tell us something, right? Our thoughts and feelings, our data, that's how I see it. And so we're going to take three more deep breaths together and really breathe into that space wherever it is in your body, imagining that tightness, that feeling first and seeing if there's any characteristics that we can name because sometimes they have feelings of colors. Like Sometimes it's red and fiery and hot.

If it's like a vastness, like a grief, a space, sometimes that can be very like light and airy, but sometimes it can feel very heavy, like gray and rocky and thick.

Sometimes if it's just a blur of mucky emotions, it can feel like a black tar and very sticky.

And so the more we can be very specific about the emotions that we feel, the better we're going to be able to influence those feelings and metabolize them and let them go.

So once you have that feeling and that area and that description, we're gonna take three more deep breaths, same as before, breathing in the love and the light and then breathing out that which doesn't serve us, which is usually connected to that type space, okay?

So imagine all the oxygen from your in-breath to that specific area into those cells, safe space, right? And then we're going to breathe it out, like we're a dragon breathing out that fiery breath of that trapped emotion which doesn't serve us.

We're going to go into the nose, love and light.

Out through the mouth.

Enter the nose.

Out through the mouth.

Deepest breath yet. Enter the nose.

And out.

Again, making any intuitive movements that are going to help you come back to homeostasis.

And I want you with your consciousness to focus on that area that we just breathed into and just notice if it feels any different at all. Does it feel lighter? Does it feel less tense?

How to color? Is that color a little bit less intense?

I know that I feel like that emotion has a less strong grip on me. It's still there. I can still feel a remnants of it, but I know that something within me is shifting. And that's the point.

Like my mentor, Dr. Lateefat, who's a GI doctor would say, you know, we got to keep things moving, right? It's the same with our emotions. We don't want any emotional constipation. We need to keep things flowing and in balance. So before we come out of this meditative state, especially if there's any residual emotions, I want you to ask yourself, right, ask that emotion really. Why is it there and what is it teaching you, right? What does it have to say? Because our emotions are like little people inside of us. They're there to serve us, right? We think they're there to protect us or give us some message. Sometimes we don't want them there. But once we validate them, once we hear them, it's a lot easier to let them go. So tune in to that space in your body where that emotion is lodged and just say, "What do you have to tell me if anything else that's going to help me move on and continue to be the wise leader of my inner world, right? So we get to be the boss. Our emotions are not the boss of us, but our emotions are messengers and they have things to teach us.

So maybe you got more information, maybe you didn't, that's okay.

But just know that this process is available to you at any time you need to feel an emotion and really does not take that long.

So now what we're gonna do is we're gonna take a three D breath and then come back to the present space.

So, love and light, in through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

In through the nose.

And out.

And through the nose.

And out.

So as you start to wiggle your fingers and your toes and come back to the present moment, you know, it's so interesting to me because I think about being the light, right?

But then there's this also this concept of lightness of being.

And when we do this, we have these big huge weights on us and in us that we don't even realize we're carrying.

And when we can really get embodied and feel those feelings and let them go, sometimes we don't have to carry those things anymore, right?

they were weighing us down, we might not have even realized it, but when we can process those feelings and let them go, we're good, right? We can then move on to be open to joy, be open to connection, be open to love in a way that, you know, we're not spending energy that we didn't even realize, sort of carrying or fighting an emotion that we wish wasn't there, we can just not be afraid of it, process it and let it go.

There's some emotions that you know kind of are a little stronger in my world than others and so sometimes like Like sadness is a very big heavy emotion sometimes and it like fills the whole room and as soon as I say okay sadness Like thanks for being here. Like what do you need to tell me today?

It like deflates like for me sadness is like this big puffy gray Like just watch the Macy's Day parade right a few weeks ago like almost like a float that is crowding up my space. And when I just acknowledge it and say, yeah, it makes sense. I'm sad. This is a sad situation. And process that sadness as much as I don't like to do that, because it feels uncomfortable. Then it sort of loses its grip, it loses its power, and then I can move on. And it feels much better. I think grief is incredibly heavy. I think anger sometimes they get super angry. And I think as women, oftentimes, like we're taught that anger is unacceptable. And so really just not judging myself for that, but just being like, yeah, that situation is really angering. And anybody would be angry in that situation, right? Or maybe it's fear, maybe it's inadequacy, all those different things, right?

And so the more we can get comfortable with our inner landscape and what emotions show up more often and what situations, that's when we can go to holiday parties and, you know, not get us triggered because we might say, oh, that's just disappointment showing up. And I understand that. And that's okay. That's their story. I have my own story. Or maybe it's that we need to have a crucial conversation with our boss about something. And we can tolerate that discomfort because we know that that's just a feeling that's going to pass. And so this practice is incredibly powerful because we are whole human beings with a whole human spectrum of emotions. And the more we can acknowledge that shadow side or those feelings that are really kind of running the script without us even realizing it, the more we can let them go and it makes more room for the light. So with that, I wish you a happy Hanukkah, a merry Christmas, whatever holidays you celebrate and you know maybe it's the solstice. I wish you a happy winter solstice today because it is truly the solstice is the day of this recording and honor your rituals, you know, really think about them, pray about them, let them transform you, right? Just as the darkness transforms us, I think when we engage in these rituals, when we allow these very beautiful concepts and realities to transform us, I think that's when we can move forward in the journey in a way that we appreciate the transformation as much as we'd never wish for it. We can see the growth, we can acknowledge it, we can even get excited for what 2026 has to offer because we know that darkness doesn't have the final word and that love and light will ultimately be the victor and that's what we're all about at Love and Science is finding our agency, finding our connection, finding our love and giving it to ourselves and sharing it with the world. So thank you for spending this time with me. It's an honor to serve you and you know like I said I wish you all the best for this holiday season and I'm always here. I love you guys so much and inner pieces yours to have we just need to be guided and we need to allow ourselves to receive it.

So with that, until the next time, bye.