Surrounded by Everyone Else's Children: The Pediatrician on the Fertility Journey
You spend your days surrounded by other people's children. The newborn service, the well checks, the sick visits — a revolving door of the very thing you're still waiting for.
This episode continues my series on why certain specialties make the fertility journey especially hard to carry — and this week it's pediatrics. If you've ever flinched at "do you have kids?" between patients, this one's for you.
In this episode:
Why being surrounded by children and babies all day, from the clinic to the newborn service, can feel quietly triggering in a way that's hard to explain to anyone outside medicine
The question that lands like a dagger — "do you have kids?" — and the unspoken hierarchy patients place on pediatricians who are parents versus those who aren't
Why being a parent and being a good pediatrician are not the same thing, and how to reconnect with that truth on the hard days
How working around sick kids all day tends to mean catching more of what they have, and what a canceled cycle from illness actually costs you
The financial reality of pursuing fertility treatment on a pediatrician's income, and a few ways to reframe that discrepancy
A mantra that actually helps: "my time is coming"
Having a snappy, honest answer ready for the kids question, so it doesn't derail the rest of your day
If you haven't listened yet, my other episode Getting Through the Day: The Emotional Toolkit for Female Physicians with Dr. Shivana Naidoo pairs well with this one.
Every family in your clinic is carrying something you can't see. So are you.. 💜
With Love and Science,
💜 Dr. Erica
P.S. If this specialty — or this exact question — hits close to home, I built the Private Fertility Consult for physicians who are ready for a plan, not just more waiting. Book a consult here. I'd love to connect.
Also, be sure to check out our website: loveandsciencefertility.com
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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.
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Erica Bove, MD (00:01.272)
Hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Love and Science podcast. Today we're continuing our series of why it is particularly hard for people in certain specialties to be on the fertility journey. And today we're gonna talk about pediatricians. For some reason, I have a lot of pediatrician clients right now. Sometimes, you know, things sort of come in waves. I've had successful pediatrician clients, but I feel like I have a pretty good handle on the particular issues.
To what pediatricians face as they're on the fertility journey. So, you know, the first thing I want to call out is to say that being around kids and other people's kids can be very triggering, especially when that's all you ever wanted, right? Was to have a child, is to have a child. And you might see parents who are complaining. You might just, you know, seeing the children themselves can be triggering. It can be really, really hard to be in that environment, similar to the podcast I recorded on OBGYN.
And how being around pregnant women all day, every day, is super triggering. I think similarly being around children and babies. I mean, maybe you're on the newborn service and you need to go into the delivery room and evaluate the babies. I mean, I I shudder thinking about it. Not only because I'm like afraid of the babies, because I always wanted to stay with the mom at the time of delivery. Clearly I was meant to be an OBGYN and not a pediatrician. But also the fact that I just think about wanting nothing more than to have a baby and then to have to evaluate a baby.
Like it just gets very complex very fast. And so thinking about how to calm the nervous system, you know, how to get around that piece of it, it's very tricky.
The second thing I think is especially hard about being a pediatrician is that the question inevitably comes like, do you have kids? And it's not just like, hey, what's the weather today or what are you having for dinner? It's more like, can I trust you? Can I, you know, trust your professional credibility? Because if you have children, I all know you get it. And if you don't have children, even though you've done a three year pediatrics residency at least, then, you know, then your opinion means less to me in my world. And I I know that may sound harsh, but
Erica Bove, MD (02:02.37)
From the pediatricians I've talked to, that is the reality that there's like this disappointment that comes when they find out, you don't have children, so you don't get it. And or like on the corollary, once things finally do work and they have kids, somehow there's like this new, you know, found respect for, you really get it. And I I don't think that's really fair because being a parent is not the same thing as being a pediatrician. And I really do think we have to call that out if we're going to, you know, like
be fair here, but but that's not the mentality. I think that people confuse the two and they sort of have this moral hierarchy that like pediatricians who are parents are better pediatricians. And I, you know, yes, sure, there may be a perspective that may not be there on like the parenting side of things, but you know, if if I were in a situation with a sick child or or something similar, like it doesn't matter if somebody's a parent or not. Like it's the experience of doing the job of the work of diagnosing and treating I think makes the most difference. So I just
Just, you know, again, there's that moral injury of like getting that question day in, day out. Can I really trust you? Are you like the best kind of pediatrician? We gotta talk about that.
Okay, the third thing I think is particularly hard about being a pediatrician is the revolving door of infections. I cannot tell you how many times I have canceled an embryo transfer for something like, you know, COVID or coxacky or some other virus or infection or strep. Like, you know, it's controversial, right? It's like, okay, I have a fever, I'm on antibiotics, should I still have my transfer? But especially if embryos are in limited supply, or if you waited a really long time to get to this transfer, like if there's active infection.
It's probably not best to be putting an embryo into that environment. And so you know, just thinking about how I do think that pediatricians get sick at higher frequencies than other, you know, and I'll throw in family medicine doctors as well because family medicine doctors and primary care doctors do get like the bulk of the colds and the coughs and everything. But it does mean more infections, more illness, more canceled cycles. And not only is it hard to be sick, it's also a setback when you're trying to move forward on your journey, and that can be really disappointing.
Erica Bove, MD (04:09.375)
I think the other thing, number four, that I will call out too is I think we all know on the income scale that pediatricians are not paid what they should be paid to do the work that they're doing. they're truly doing amazing work and it's hard work, and for some reason our system does not value general pediatricians, subspecialists, the pay skills are just not what they should be. And so, especially when you think about how much infertility treatment costs, I do think that's an additional
Dagger in the system where you know people say, you're a doctor, you should be able to afford this. And you know, everybody I know struggles to afford fertility treatment, first of all. But when you're actually looking at the fact that you know the salaries tend to be lower compared to other specialties, and oftentimes insurance does not cover, or maybe you're thinking about changing out of academics to a private practice, but you that private practice doesn't cover you know fertility treatments, like there's all these different things that we have to keep in mind, and so I don't know how to fix that system. I am a big believer
You know, DPC and and those sorts of models as well, because I think at some point the system's breaking and we have to figure out other better ways, which I know often doesn't come with health insurance, but still, I really do think that pediatricians need to be paid and sorry, yeah, paid and like a fair wage and compensated appropriately. And in this current system, I don't think that's the case, and so that's another thing that can make it more challenging. And and as a coach, my job is always to say, not like, I'm stuck, but to say, how can I? But that is a financial
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so what can we do about it, right? This you know, I have eff it Fridays at Love and Science. We do that, and and the point is never to just err the grievances. The point is to say, okay, where is our power? What can we do about it? Sure, these are the major issues, you know, one in four female physicians as infertility, so that means one in four, you know, pediatricians as infertility, like you know, what can we do about this? But it's to take back our power to say what actually helps, where is our agency, what can we do to budge the needle? Okay, so the first thing is.
Erica Bove, MD (06:11.423)
Mantras. I am obsessed with mantras. We talk about them all the time at Love and Science. We individualize mantras for people and their particular concerns. And this really stems to the thought model, which comes from my training in Brookes Dio's The Life Code School. So the idea is that our thoughts create our feelings. I'm gonna say that one more time. Our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings create our actions, like what we do and what we don't do, and then our actions or inaction then creates our results in the world. And where this all stems from is actually a circle.
Circumstance is technically neutral. So, like infertility, even though we may have intense feelings about it, intense thoughts about it, that is a fact. Like being on the fertility journey is a fact. And then we might have some pretty intense thoughts and feelings that stem from that. So our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings create our actions or inactions, and then that then creates our results in the world. And usually the results loop back to the thought because it's like a chain reaction. Okay. So I love helping people think about how do you know if the circumstance has to stay the same, right? We're not gonna change.
Not being on the fertility journey, right? We can't put our agency in an external outcome that we have no immediate control over. So the circumstance is going to stay the same, that neutral, like fertility journey, infertility. But then how we want to feel about that can actually change. So if we want to feel grounded, if we want to feel centered, if we want to feel steady, if we want to feel empowered, the question then becomes: what would I need to think in the context of a clinic swimming with children of all different ages, all different parents with different perspectives?
On being, you know, being parents. Again, it's like being an OBGYN with infertility where the pregnant ladies are complaining about their symptoms is kind of like being in a pediatrician clinic where all the parents are complaining about being parents. Like nobody wants to hear that. It's a reality, but nobody wants to hear that. So one of the mantras I really like is my time is coming. And that is a mantra, it's a thought, right? We code that as a thought that induces a feeling of like optimism. And I'm not saying like blind hope, I'm saying authentic hope, hope grounded inside.
And then, you know, what then would a person do? What would be the action of that? You know, maybe stop ruminating, maybe stop catastrophizing, maybe not, you know, stop comparing ourselves to others. And then the reality is my time actually is coming because I'm taking the steps to explore different pathways to parenthood. I'm meeting with my REI, I'm moving forward with my fertility journey. You know, I'm maybe triggered a little bit less by all the children. And so that's a very powerful mantra that can get us out of that scarcity mindset and like the comparitis, like
Erica Bove, MD (08:41.089)
these people have what I wish I could have, but it grounds us more in our own story, our own reality.
And the agency that we actually have. So that's a really powerful mantra. I think that another mantra that can be really powerful is to really question that notion that, you know, a superior pediatrician is a pediatrician who's a parent. I just don't think that's true. And so I think saying like to yourself, like, you know, I am an amazing pediatrician, whether or not I have children at this point in time, affirming that, reminding that, you know, trusting the training. Like I say that all the time in REI, I trust my training, I trust my training. Like
we trust our training and that is really what you need to be a good pediatrician like full stop. So you know reminding reminding yourself like like I am an excellent pediatrician, right? and then maybe the feeling that comes along with that is assured or empowered or just sort of like confident, right? Confident in your ability to diagnose, to treat, to be a good doctor, to help the people. And then maybe the action is that you stop ruminating about the people and their stupid questions or that you move forward
And you actually start to enjoy the work again because you remind yourself that you have unique gifts that other people don't have and that you've worked really hard for these skills and that I mean, hey, I know nothing about pediatrics, right? Like I see a growth chart and I start to squirm. I see a bone age, even though I'm supposed to be good at bone ages as an REI, and I'm like, God, where's the real doctor, right? So I think that you know there are ninja strengths that pediatricians have that we can call out that maybe you can connect with yourself to say, like, I'm a darn good doctor, I deserve to be here.
Whether or not have children at this moment in time, like, you know, and then you connect with the work more, you enjoy the work, time goes more quickly quickly. And then the reality is you are a good doctor and you do the good work that you were trained to do and you sort of tune out the naysayers who have their judgy comments about whether you whether or not you have children.
Erica Bove, MD (10:33.165)
Okay, so that's the first thing I think that helps is the mantras. The second thing I love to help people with as pediatricians is to have like quick, snappy answers ready to go. So you know that people are gonna ask that question, like, hey, do you have kids? And you know, what are you gonna say? So we talk a lot about this at Love and Science. We brainstorm snappy responses together sometimes. One mantra I love, or one answer I love to help people say, like most people have pets, not everybody, but most people. And some people say, No, but I have a really cute dog. Do you wanna see a picture?
Or something like that to kind of deflect because I think that that is a great way to kind of like shift the question off of the question. Everybody loves pets for the most part. Everybody loves like cute dog pictures or cute cute cat pictures. And it's just a way to kind of like maybe not, because what happens is like when that question happens, it's like, no, I don't have children, and then the response and then the shame and all the things. Like, we kind of have to interrupt that cycle. And so, you know, if you want, you can say something else like, you know.
So, hey, my partner and I, if you have a partner, we're working on it, we'll let you know when we got some good news to share, or something like that. But even that can feel like a little bit vulnerable.
So having like a quick response ready to go that feels authentic, because it's important that we are not inauthentic. It's su you know, super important, but that feels like we can keep the day moving forward. I think that's really important. I did talk about this on another podcast episode where I talked with Shivana Naidoo who's a psychiatrist, about really intentionally having those answers ready to go. And so if you want to hear more about that, you can absolutely listen to that podcast in terms of getting more ideas around that topic. I think the third thing that really
Helps really anybody, but I think particularly pediatricians, is mindful self compassion. It is so overstimulating to be taking care of a zillion patients with all sorts of complaints, many of them are crying. You're not just dealing with the patient, but you're dealing with the parent and all of the things. And I think that when we ground with what Dr. Kristin Neff calls the three pillars of mindful self compassion, which are common humanity, like anybody in my situation would feel this way, and self kindness, which is the opposite of self judgment.
Erica Bove, MD (12:40.686)
judgment and also mindfulness, which is using us our sensory experiences to ground in the present moment, that can be super, super amazing. So what I would say is, you know, really
Leaning into this idea of mindful self compassion, you know, another mantra that you can latch on to is like, I'm doing my best, I'm doing everything in my power to bring this, you know, to be. Or like, even something like I d I I don't know the full story. Like, even if a family comes in and they seem like like super awesome, like a whole intact family with children, and you think, everything's like PG Keen, like you never know what's going on underneath the surface. You never know the state of the marriage. You never know like what goes on behind closed doors. Social media never highlights any of those things, and so maybe
Not assuming that other people have like perfect lives, but saying like everybody has their own pain and their own struggle. This is my own version of struggle right now, is the fertility journey. And like I'm sure they have things that are really hard that I would not want to trade with them for, right? And so just acknowledging that everybody has their own journey, everybody has their own suffering, and you know, how can I be kind to myself? How can I be gentle to myself? How can I you know, really be drawn into the present moment with whatever it is, and like
like we talked at Love and Science about like soft things or flowers or nature or even like savoring a cup of tea because in the present moment we're not mired in the past, we're not looking anxiously towards the future. We're exactly where we need to be. So I do think that sometimes really learning how to cultivate more self compassion, how to treat ourselves like we would our best friend, how to, you know, if we feel sick, we feel sick and we say, you know what, like, you know, I gotta be a human over here. Sometimes as doctors we forget that we're humans. So
You know, those are some of my suggestions for how to navigate this process of like being being a pediatrician, working with the kids, working with the babies, getting questions about, you know, whether you have a parent or not, you know, the financial thing I don't have any solutions for other than sometimes there's some creative solutions in terms of like educating yourself about finances and you know, that's something that I've done in the last year is really understand where my money's going and you know, looking into like there's all sorts of Facebook groups for physicians about passive income.
Erica Bove, MD (14:56.814)
And you know, other things. And I do think that some people are like, well, I'm you know a lowly pediatrician, and there's like no way I can do XYZ, but I do think that even pediatricians are relatively high earners, and yes, you know, many people do have student debt debt still, etc. But there may be ways to increase wealth, increase financial resources that haven't even been tapped into, but we have to engage in possibility thinking first to be able to start to access opportunities and resources. So what I will
Say, is you know, your time is coming. You know, people who want to be parents deserve to be parents, and it is hard sometimes when we see people who are like, my gosh, I can't believe you know this person gets to be a parent and I don't. You know, I think that's something that I remember thinking a lot during my Obi Juan residency when I saw all sorts of social situations, which is you know, there is some injustice there. But I think really connecting with okay, what is my relationship like with my REI? Like, you know, I know I'm in pediatrics, but I may not understand everything about REI, so how can
Can I, you know, arm myself with the knowledge with a team that supports me? Maybe it's getting a coach, maybe it's working on mindset. But like I said, I have a lot of pediatricians right now in my support groups and my one-on-one coaching, and the transformations are unreal. We see people have better egg retrieval cycles. We see people finally freezing embryos. We see people, you know, having like miraculous improvements in sperm counts, which is fascinating because that's not even the female side. But I do think that there are so many things that we see.
that are just unexplainable other than when the mind and the body are connected and the physiology is optimized, we start to see physiology working better, which I think is just an amazing side note of what we do. So there is always hope. Go find your people, find your A team, book a consult with me if that would be helpful to you. Like I said, you'd be in good company with all the other pediatricians we have right now and we've also had some successful pediatricians recently which just warms my heart so much. So anyway, know how much I love you. Until the next time. Bye.
